Tuesday, April 14, 2009

If you were my girlfriend ....would you?

I have often wondered why I and others are afraid to share
intimate details about our self.

I've often heard individuals say there are parts of their lives they will only share with a select few. The deep question is ....why?

I've said this before but if it was true then, it remains true today ...the way one goes in ....is the way they will go out. Secrets, what are they good for?

I believe there's a universal fear that others will not like us or accept us if they knew intricate details of our past. I've come believe it's a vital mistake to concern oneself with what others may be thinking. For the most part, we will seldom have it right. An even deeper question is ....what if they are right? So what ...what changes?! Nothing .....nothing really changes ....nothing that truly matters!

Fear is a crazy thang. Frequently we do not know what's
at the root of it ....we really don't. Fear hides
underneath shame and blame. Shame and blame are weak.
They are like bullies in school yards. They finds those that are
afraid of them and don't know why. When they are exposed,
the bully runs away. What the real fear behind holding secrets about yourself? It's deep and many refuse to go there.

Prince posed the question, "if I were your girlfriend, would you....?

I am going to pretend that everyone reading this is my girlfriend.
With some reserves, I would like to tell you a few things about my past.

I was raised in the projects. It was a different time and a different place than the projects of today, but some things never change. Life was much more simpler then. Foot races in the street were an everyday occurrence. The ice cream man would come around. Several of the kids would run home to the disappointing words of we don't have any money. I have life long friends from that time period. However, many have succumb to the calls of the wild side. In fact, over 60 percent of the men from that housing project went to the penitentiary, many are dead. Some things never change. I remember 2 of my friends.

I often wondered why he just didn't stop. Skippy's dad was a wino, we called him Mr. Farley. Mr. Farley was a nice man. He was always well
dressed. However, Skip's dad would change. Some days he would sing to us in a voice that was purely mesmerizing while giving us money as if he was receiving pleasure from our listening. The next day he could just as easily be found wearing the same suit he'd worn to church the previous
day ....dirty and torn.

We never knew what Skip's mother did for a living but on many nights I and other neighborhood kids would gather outside of her church to listen to her and the other church members talk in tongue and shout about God, we called them Holly Rollers. Skip and I had a fight over a girl, kid stuff.

Life came roaring through. Skip feel into bad marriages and an alcohol problem. Skip is doing good these days. His early demons no longer plague him. He still has women problems but he's doing good.

Bobby was one of the older kids in the neighborhood. He was tough and could play the hell out of some baseball. He was my friend. He went to Viet Nam and to prison. I was in the Master Bathroom, Bobby was in the outer bedroom. I heard his cousin, Joy, call his name. I heard her ask Bobby, what had he done?! They were in town for a family reunion. Joy screamed for help, her face wore the signs of desperation. At that time, I had a fairly large home and invited Bobby to spend the weekend. There were others in the house. Many had checkered pasts. Benny never left my home....alive.

My father was the best man I've ever known. I can remember the day he was waiting for me at the kitchen table, it was 7am. The night before, my girlfriend Ann,called and said she was scared and asked if I would comeover. I fathered a child with Ann and she lived alone with our child. I lived in my parent’s home, a room to myself. My brothers were off to college and I loved my silence .....my room. Before they left it was the three of us in a small upstairs room ....my oldest brother, Gary slept on a hideaway bed ...my other brother and I shared a bed. We always made fun of Gary because he had to fold up his bed every morning, while we sort of threw ours together.

I knew dad would be waiting for me. He was very strict about being on time. We had curfews and it was understood that they were not to be broken. He often told us that if he said 11 o'clock it didn't mean 11:01.We were not allowed to go out on weekdays unless it was to a sporting event. My father boxed and my brothers and I were involved in many sports. Regardless of the event ...if the witching hour passed ....dad could be found waiting at the kitchen table.

I opened the door with caution but as if nothing was wrong. I was prepared for my punishment .....or at least I thought I was. I assumed he would make me wash the dishes for a month or cut all the neighbors grass and that would have been okay .....he was sitting at the table ....he stared at me and without hesitation said, "boy, what do you think this is? I can't remember my father giving us a beating or whippings .....he wasn't that kind of father, yet he always demanded respect and we always gave it to him without question. I explained to him that my girlfriend heard noises in her new apartment and asked if I'd join her .....I saw a look in his eyes that I'd never seen before .....he wasn't mad, it wasn't disgust, it was fear and concern. He knew I was about to pass into a life that I was ill prepared to handle. He paused ....then said, son it is honorable of you to go and see about the welfare of your girlfriend and the child. I now what you to go upstairs and pack your things .....he dropped his head, raised it and continued ....we will not have a fatherless child in this family .....and it’s time for you to go raise your family. I'd never seen my father cry. A tear appeared in the corner of his eyes. I was a teenager ....Ann and I were not in love ....we were kids playing an adult game. I didn't plead my case ....I said okay and walked to my room ....I wasn't prepared for this new role as a man and a father .....I was a kid and I made mistakes. I am now reflecting on those mistakes. I married Ann, she is now gone ....she has gone home.


If you were my girlfriend, I may wonder what you think. But in the end it is what it is. Only a fool would be so foolish to "think" they knew what someone else was thinking. If you were my girlfriend or if I was lucky enough to be a casual friend, I might ask you if you cared to hear
more?

I blog and I get silly
I blog and I get introspective.
I blog and I share
Sometimes I blog and I don't know why.

13 comments:

Lovebabz said...

Hello kindred Brother!

My life is pretty much an open book. I blog my life with as much authencity and truth as I can.

I like you do not concern myself with what others think. I only try to keep my mind and heart clear and open.

Your father was an amazing man to make you handle your responsibility. I am sure it was the hardest thing he had to do but it was necessary. Men like that seem to be fleeting.

Thank you for sharing your story. If I were your girlfriend...I'd certainly want to know more :)

Solomon said...

I love your honesty in your writing. Keep it up brotha!

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

The old me would only care what others thought. The new me is wide open and free to be. Love me or really like me.... but you won't hate me! My happiness is contagious (Smile) Love hearing about your life. Here's a little bit of mine. I was abandoned by my step dad, I never talked to anyone, my sister gave me a diary in 7th grade and I began writing and confiding w/my pen in hand, i was abused by my daughters father, sexually harrassed by my boss, cheated on by all the men in my life, tricked into joining law enforcement (lol) had my happily ever after crushed via a dear jane letter, gave my life to Christ and waiting to retire in 7 years.

Thanks for listening (smile)
Love, peace and blessings for a great day!

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

PS - Check out my poetry blog when you get a moment. She is me and on my "single path" the words are clearer than they ever were!

Love ya

denisefuller.blogspot.com

Hope you enjoy! No autographs though (LOL)

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I am a firm beleiver in not telling everything to everyone. Not everyone can handle it. Nor do most peopple deserve to know you that intimately.

truth said...

Great post,

What one feels comfortable telling to the world is subjective. I guess the more intimate details of my life, I would only tell to someone I trusted. There are sick people out there who would use things against you, so I only give information to folks I trust.

CareyCarey said...

I am so glad you guys dropped by to share your opinions!

Truth, I'd like to go a little deeper. How can an individual hurt you? I ask this because I've had to go deep in trying to find what's really important in my life. Now I try to go to the worst case situation and see if its about me or something out of my control. Is it about my feelings or is about being afraid of facts?

Tea, why don't people deserve toknow you that well. I truly believe in the old cliche "show me yours and I'll show you mine". Really, why don't they deserve to know everything about you ...what can't they handle? I am only asking to get more knowledge. What would happen to them? Again, what specifically can they do with it?

Lovebabz, I've read some of your story and I applaud your fearlessness. I was really impressed with the things you shared in "asouthernthang"

Denise ....or is it Ms. Fuller if i am...

Couldn't help putting a joke in a serious issue (that's what I do). Hey, I've heard it said that if someone shows/tells you who they are, believe them. I believe you.

What's up Solomon. I'll keep writing if you keep listening and dropping comments so I can hit you back. that reminds me. You're elusive, no blog spot?

Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...

I just beleive that people have to earn the right to know you on an intimate level. Some could use your vulnerability against you if they are not worthy.

Mizrepresent said...

I believe you need to reveal what you want and keep back what you want, until you are comfortable with that man or woman. My life is, nor ever will be an open book, but for the man in my life...i am willing to share, if he is willing to except.

Strongblkwmn said...

I use to care what others thought, but those days are over. I'm just a really private person and reserve all that is me for a trusted few. I have been revealing things in my blog and that's huge for me.

Your father rocks!

If I were your girlfriend, i'd definitely want to know more and you would know all about me.

truth said...

CareyCarey,
I think what you're hinting at is correct. Secrets make situations worse and people who care about us, usually will accept what we perceive as being bad about us. Most people have their own issues, similar problems, so were not alone like we think we are. Besides, secrets generally have an irrational element to them. Because you never told anyone, you never got any feedback on the issue, which means we blow it out of proportion.

With that said, there are con — artist and predators among us. For instance, if a single woman or man is in public bragging about living alone and having a lot of material possessions, you can see how telling your business would be unwise.

CareyCarey said...

Okay Truth, you put me up on something. I never looked at it that way. When I posed the question, I wasn't thinking about physical harm or harm through forms of deception. Okay, I can see your point.

Having cleared those differences, you are so correct in your assumption of what I was getting at. We put major emphasises on small problems. We "think" for others. If we went a little deeper in the feelings and emotions area, I believe most keep secrets about themselves to protect their own uncomfortable feelings. It's likely a fact. If we could skip ahead to the results/outcome of our divulgences, it's more than likely we wouldn't harbor as many fears about doing so.

Hence, my basic point is what are we really afraid of (what can your THOUGHTS "do" to me!?). I think you hit it. The span goes from hate me or love me but in the end it's all about being truthful to myself and about myself. Preachy I know, but its the truth. You know a little something about that.

Ut oh, I feel a post

Keith said...

I may have cared what others thought when I was younger, but I never acted as though I did,so people were never really sure.

Your Father reminds me of mine..They were both old school dudes and both made you do what you were "supposed to do."

I enjoyed this post....it reminds me a lot of me. Keep writing and I'll keep readin!