Sunday, March 7, 2010

Put It On Paper: No contract, no contact!


Well cruel world, CareyCarey's palms are sweating and his knees are getting weak, the marriage is but a week away.

That's right, the fire is stoked and the pot is boiling, now it's time to put a top on it. Till death do us part

But wait, vanquish any thoughts from your mind that I'm getting married. Nope, been there, done that, and it was a great time and I am on the auction block, but today I am talking about a marriage of a different sort. Well, not really, but let me explain.

The state of Iowa is one of a few states that has legalized gay marriages. Now, since I live in Iowa, I have a vested interest in these ongoings. I could sit back and let the world turn, or get my feet wet. Well, before I could make my move to soon, or to late, the flood moved to my doorsteps. Don't get me wrong, I am not gay, and as I said, I am not getting married but my woman's daughter is gay and she is getting married... This Week!

I've talked about this in another post... 2 months ago:

A women that I see on a regular basis, has a daughter that's a lesbian. Upon first hearing about her daughter, she was hurt. She didn't know anything about lesbians. She only knew what others said about them. Of course, much of what she heard was rooted in ignorance. She thought she had done something wrong while raising her daughter. Through a little pain, knowledge and a lot of prayer, she's now very comfortable with her daughter's lifestyle. In fact, her daughter, that once was married to a man, is soon to be married to a woman. And check this, they got my dumb ass up in the wedding. Yep, not only am I in the wedding, I'm the MC at the reception. It's a family affair.



Well, here I am 2 months later, wondering what it's all about. I mean, how am I going to handle this, and what am I going to say? Look, we've all heard a white person say "some of my best friends are black". Okay, I don't have to break that down, but we know how that affects us. Yep, those things are easy to say when Big Willie and Leon do not live in your neighborhood. When the pigeons come home to roost, it's a whole new ballgame.

Make no mistake about it, I am cool with the whole gay thang. I have no problem with who tickles who's love bone. Nope, to each his own. But see, since I have a propensity to run my mouth and love telling jokes, I have a bit of a problem. In my role as MC, I am going to play it very loose. Hey, I gotta be me. But loose lips sinks ships. Listen, I like to think of myself as a speaker and a gum shoe wordsmith, but I don't know what's politically correct in the gay world. I don't know if I should use words like Dude-ettes or Bride-gal & Guy-gal, etc. Really, I'm in quite a quandary.

For instance, I am thinking about telling a joke that involves cookies and hot dogs. I am going to say...

There are a lot of beautiful women in here tonight and I am single. But I have to be careful, because when I reach for my cookie (girlfriend's name is Cookie) I don't don't want to pull out a long hot dog. Come on yawl, you know looks can be deceiving. I mean, I like hot dogs, but I like mine with mustard and ketchup and a little onion. Wait, I might be in the wrong place to be talking about the freaky deaky hotdog? I am simply saying I don't like surprises. When I reach for my Cookie, I don't want her to start growing in all the wrong places



That's one of my softer jokes. And, I don't know if you've been to a gay "bash" but the red carpet was made for them. Quit it, they dress to impress. But see, I don't have any shame in my game, but I am worried about getting shot. Are you kidding me, just because someone is gay does not mean they don't carry pistols. In fact, I know the bridegroom has a long 38. Really, just the other day, she shot a raccoon that's been jackin' with her trash. He will not raid anymore trash cans. This coon ain't trying to be the next victim.

So please, if you are gay or have gay family members or friends, holla at a brother. I need a little help. Tell me what to do. Come on now, I know everyone that's reading this post has a gay person in their family. Heck, I can count 3 or 4 in my family, and I ain't mad at them. Why should I be?

The day is coming and the microphone will soon be in my hand. Tell me, tell me, tell me true, what should this fool really do?

And, you might not like the whole gay marriage thing. You can tell me about that too.

25 comments:

FreeMan said...

Well the best rule of respect is to tell no jokes relating to them being gay. It's like someone going to a IR marriage and bringing up them being black and white. It's just not a good talking point. I would rather you kept it 100 and talked about the same things that anyone who will be living with each other forever will deal with.

I'm not for trying to find a way to say something that could offend lightly. Just don't say it at all and talk about other things. Like you said you hate when people say they have Black friends. I think you could run the same risk when you really didn't mean it to be interpreted that way.

Just talk about relationships period and advice on marriage. I'm sure they just want to be seen as normal and not any special notes on them being gay brought up. Ok that's my opinion.

CareyCarey said...

I feel you Freeman, and under normal conditions, I would run with your advice, but in this situation, their "togetherness" is not a hush-hush deal. Everyone in the wedding is gay. There's not a single man in the whole procession. So, unlike the IR's, everyone is on the same page. And, I don't know if you've been around gay affairs, but they can be a wild bunch. Think Kathy Griffin and some of her stand-up comedy. They love her material. I don't know if she's gay, but nevertheless, gays are human, and everyone likes to be the butt of jokes... sometimes. It goes without saying, this will not be a "normal" night.

SLC said...

Maybe there are some soft comments you can make about the facts of their situation

You don't have to worry about your spouse leaving the toilet seat up.

You can borrow each others clothes.

When someone asks to speak to the man of the house you can look to your spouse and say, "Your turn"!

Ok seriously. This may be the new normal for some people. Just make it so they don't have to edit you out of the video. Keep the jokes to a minimum to not take away from their special day. Since they asked you, they know you at least a little bit, so they shouldn't be toooooo surprised.

Good luck.

jjbrock said...

Carey I've been reading your blog for a while now...So I feel comfortable saying this...Stay away from the jokes please.

@SCL, I like!
"You don't have to worry about your spouse leaving the toilet seat up."
You can borrow each others clothes."
When someone asks to speak to the man of the house you can look to your spouse and say, "Your turn"!"

CareyCarey said...

I don't believe this. Two of my longest readers have drop by. I was actually thinking about you 2 when I wrote this post. Most of the opponents to gay marriages come from the religious front. I was actually going to call you 2 to the front of the stage but it worked itself out.

Ms, Ann, since you and SLC have been reading my blog, you know I have a hard time with a "blog"/"artistic" voice and the voice I would use in public. So you both are probably right. I have to move away from entertaining the crowd with a "blog" voice. Plus, there will be children there and I know the children of the "groom". So even though (SLC) your jokes were pretty smooth, I now wonder how the children will feel about them. But here's a liitle secret about some gay couples. There's usually one that plays a dominant role. In this case (this couple) I know who cuts the grass and takes out the trash.

Thanks for the feedback!

I'm still looking for proper names. Like bride and groom or what?

CareyCarey said...

Oh Ann, as I mentioned @ your blog, I did go to the last day of our revival (tonight). You would have loved it. On the final day, all the pastors in our area conference, come together and lend their voices to close the affair(and raise money). One by one they take the stage and sing a song. Well, most of them can't hold a note :-)(some can really sing)but it's a fun night and many of them sing the older songs like "Jesus is on the main line, tell him what you want"

"This little light of mine"

"hold onto Gods unchanging hands"

"Oh how I love Jesus"

Yep, it was a long (and hot and stuffy) evening but it was a good night.

PPR_Scribe said...

*Love* the jokes SLC suggested! Also love the idea about sticking to relationship humor. Also, if you know any funny stories about your friend's daughter from when she was younger. You might be OK working some of these jokes in by telling a story about the process you went to in order to arrive at an appropriate humor topic--kind of put the focus on yourself and your own lack of precedence.

Just remember that this is their special day: More special because they have family and friends who are risking, perhaps, their own not-so-comfortable feelings to be there to share it with them.

One more idea: Why don't you just ask the couple what they are comfortable with? Maybe they were looking for Kat Williams and pimp jokes and would be disappointed if you played it safe. LOL!

jjbrock said...

Carey I love a good revival.

CareyCarey said...

PPR_Scribe, I think you are on the mark.

"Just remember that this is their special day: More special because they have family and friends who are risking, perhaps, their own not-so-comfortable feelings to be there to share it with them"

Yes, this whole thing has kind of split her family. Some are very uncomfortable about even coming to this affair, but they are coming. And therefore, there is a need to lighten the moment. The other woman's mother didn't even know of the marriage, or her daughters sexual preference until 1 month ago. The daughter was very hesitant to tell her mother. In fact, the mother was told by someone else. There was tears but everyone is cool now. Well, as much as they can be.

You might have sometime, PPR_Scribe. "telling a story about the process you went to in order to arrive at an appropriate humor topic--kind of put the focus on yourself and your own lack of precedence"

Now, I don't know about Kat Williams type pimp stories :-), but I will ask the couple a few questions before I make a fool of myself and embarrass everyone.

Stop it with the Kat Williams, LMBAO.

SLC is right, they do know me and they did ask me to run with this. But I don't think they really knew what they were asking for. Well, they've seen me on a different stage, so I'd better keep fielding questions & answers.

CareyCarey said...

OneChele, you know what, your suggestion might be the lick. Those words would tend to ease a lot of tension. They speak to the core of the union and the couple, and not their sexuality.

I have spoken with the "groom" today (twice), and I asked her how she wanted to playing this. Okay, the following are her words...

"You know "Cee" (me), open the shit up and let some muthafu*kers say a little sumtin' and close the shit down"

I then asked her if I would be introducing her court.. one by one. And if they would do anything special.

Her words: "Yes, they will walk down as couples, most of them are pretty straight, on my side, but Alisha's bitches(maids of honor) can be fools"

So OneChele, I might have to take your advice and play it super low, and stick with the cliches'. Really, give me a few more and I am going to write them on my cue cards.

Contrary to what some may think, I am looking forward to the evening. It will be another moment of memories. But to tell you the whole truth, I plan on doing my thang (opening the precedings & doing the toast thang) and then catch my hat. I am not planning on staying around for the whole night. Nope, her mother (my date) feels the same way. I am cool, but I ain't tryin' to play with the puppy until it licks me in my face.

But I still haven't figured out the first dance thang. The father (I am the step-dad) generally has a dance, but since she's a do or die dude(she will be wearing a tuxedo), it could be awkward for me and her. Any more suggestions?

Keith said...

I can't tell you what to say..because see , you and I are kindred spirits and we both have the same problem of being "appropriately inapropriate"
at times like this...But please take pictures...Just the visual of you MCing an event like this is bringing laughter to my soul...Just do you and be you good brother!

Friend in L.A. said...

Oh Lord! Wasn't it not too long ago that you and that mike got in trouble with your nephew or cousin or somebody at a family celebration? I see a YouTube moment coming on.

CareyCarey said...

Wow Crystal, you have quite a memory. You are absolutely correct, it was my nephews wedding reception. See, I've learned a little something, I am asking questions first :-). And, I wasn't the MC, I was just running my mouth. Yes, my friend from LA, you called me out on that one. I did stick my foot in my mouth,but what about a time called now? *lol*


Now Keith, I feeling you on the "be me thing" and I love taking pictures and sharing them on my blog, but there is no way I am going to take pictures that might "seem" to catch me in a compromising position *lol*. I can see the headlines **Is Carey leading a secret life**

Yes Keith, we have kindred souls, we might say something inappropriate, but you will not find a picture of me in the arms of a man that I thought was a woman.

Mizrepresent said...

Well, do indeed speak from the heart (which i know you will) and with temperment. I don't expect you will be telling Gay jokes, but if you do make sure they are laughing too! I mean who can't laugh at themselves, we all do. Anyways, have a great time!

A.Smith said...

I'm with the general sentiment of the room. Skip the potentially problematic jokes and go for something easy and light.

A joke gone bad is too much of a risk -- it would move the focus from the two people it's supposed to be about and on to a simple failed joke.

I'm sure they asked you to MC for a reason, and I'm sure it's because they know you -- but even still, people have a bad habit of assuming folks can read minds.

FreeMan said...

LMBAO check your email man I sent you to someone else's podcast. That wasn't mine so check the email for the link and cut and paste it if you have to. LMBAO

Dirty Red said...

Cary,
Good luck with that....
I don't know what to say, but I agree with JJbrock.... Stay away from the jokes. Now if you were gay and telling gay jokes, then, well, it would be funny. But since you are not... some people might take offense. It is just like a Black comdian telling jokes about Black people to Black people. It can be funny as ha-ha-hell. But if a White dude told those same jokes, then a riot would break out. It is what it is man.... Oh... and I did not know you lived in Iowa.... Damn, I did not think that they made us up there. (That was a joke man...)

CareyCarey said...

Red, yeah, you were right, I never thought about it like that. Just because I might have thought my intentions were in the right place, some might have viewed it differently.

Okay, now here we are. The night is over and I had a great time. It didn't start out that way. Well, I lost my notes. I had little tidbits of information(that the groom gave me) about the wedding party. I didn't even know their names without my notes. Anyway, before the thang jumped off, I scrambled around (looking desperate and stupid), but I finally got it together. Actually, I found an Internet connection (at the hotel) and hit this post. Really, yawl gave me some good advice.

I didn't tell one joke. Well, I mean a gay joke. I busted out a few people, but everyone rolled with it.

I held my thang until the last. I am her stepfather, so I said a few words. I didn't do the electric slide. Oh no, when I passed the mike to the DJ, I was done.

Great night, great time, mo memories.

Yes Red, we got everything in Iowa. Even black folks *lol*

I plan on posting some pictures. Nope, you will not see me in the arms of anyone, but my lady did get hit on by a white chick. I can't tell you what she told the women, or what she called the woman, but it starts with a "B". And, it ended with "if you don't get out of my face"

It was a great night!

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

Well Carey, re: your last comment. The undercover paparazzi was there. I know 'cause I hired them. If you'd like to purchase the more scandalous photos they took of you, just hit me up and I's sure we can work out a deal. ;)

CareyCarey said...

Now Kit, you've read my blog so you have to know that I've been around. I peeped that dude in the long trench coat. So, since I also read your blog, I know where you live. Well, not only did I switch his film, I paid him more than you did. Meaning, I paid him to take a few pictures of YOU.

Although you thought that blond wig was a great disguise, these pictures of you at the slip & slid - hideaway hotel, shows all your glory. *lol*

So, as 2Pac said, fair exchange ain't no crime.

Game is made to be sold and not told. We just have to agree on a price. Back atcha *wink*

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

LOL! Nigga, that wasn't a blonde wig. That was part of my fluffy gold
Easter Duck costume.

CareyCarey said...

*LOL* Well Kit, since you felt comfortable enough to call me NIgga, and you up in here telling yo' business, let me respond.

Like I said, although you had on that Easter Duck costume, (as you called it), and only your hairdresser knows the real thang, pictures don't lie. You may call "yours"... kitten or fluffy gold, and that thang may be fluffy, but it ain't gold. Well, I mean, the color is not golden.

Keep it thrill and keep it up, and I'm gonna post these pictures.

LMBAO, your move RED, opps.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

*smiles shyly*

Well, ya caught me, I admit. Here's me in my other blonde wig that I actually posted on my blog in 2/2010 and
7/2008.

CareyCarey said...

I have to give it to you Kit, you're good.

See, I ran my stupid behind over to those links, thinking I was going to see something... ahhh, you know.

But they were interesting articles (long), but interesting. I had read the first (2010's) but not the other. I loved the Pyrimid one. Yes, you were speaking the truth. It's a tough titty, but somebody gonna suck it... or not! You spoke the facts of life. It's a man's world.

Maxine said...

You will be brilliant Carey, be your serious-funny self. That's why they asked you to be part of this momentous occasion in the first place - because you'll do it amazingly well.