Saturday, July 10, 2010

DON'T TELL ME TO KISS YOUR ASS BECAUSE I MIGHT JUST DO IT.

Ohh that's nasty, but that was a joke because I'm not going to be your special kind of fool. Plus, that's some nasty drama, and drama is nothing but the space between a lie and the truth.

But first, that's a nasty picture ain't it. Sorry, but I had to go for the gusto on this one.

But if I did kiss your behind, we might find the core of a serious problem.

I mean, think about it, if you ask me to kiss your ass, drama is going to breakout because somebody is lying. I am lying to myself if I believe that kissing your rusty ass will make you love me, and you're lying to yourself if you think a wet kiss on your ass is going to solve our problems. Consequently, if we remove the lies, drama ceases to exist. Nobodies ass is getteing kissed but...

Okay, since this is a personal blog, let me clean this up, by bringing this home.

Drama by definition is a series of events full of vivid, exciting and interesting actions. You know, like kissing someone's rectum. Now, of course, within those actions  there's usually pain and destruction. When I look back at my life, none of the dramatic events would be there if I did not lie to someone or myself. Maybe I should repeat that. NO LIES, NO DRAMA!

A  cynic might say that others  bring us drama. I would tend to agree with that, but if I can borrow a phrase from my mother... "if you play with a puppy, it will lick you in the face". In other words, not until we engage ourselves in the actions of others, is it our drama. The lie or untruth develops when we think we can control the actions of another person or change the mindset of another person or change who we really are. Case in point, a woman or a man might find themselves immersed in a drama filled relationship by thinking a person will change if they only did X, Y or Z. Few people really change, so who's fault is it if we didn't move on?

But again, I have to keep this post in the context of how this issue relates to me. If I didn't lie to myself about myself and to the women in my life, it's possible and probable that my drama filled life would be absent of most of the dramatic events that found me at my lowest low. Wow, that was a mouthful, but the story is now starting to roll.

For instance, I lived a secret life with two separate families [ Babies Mamma Drama. here: http://careycarey-carrymehome.blogspot.com/2010/06/baby-momma-drama-part-1.html 

Listen, if  had removed the lies, I wouldn't be writing this and there wouldn't be years of confusion. Are you kidding me,  check out the drama in that post (above), and tell me if I am wrong.

I  also tried to sustain a self image (a lie) that caused me years of pain and suffering. I thought I had to be the coolest, hippest and slickest negro on earth. I thought I had to drive the biggest car and wear the sharpest clothes. At the same time, I wanted everyone to love me. So I lied to other people and myself, to get love in all the wrong places and all the wrong ways. I wasn't the best looking guy on the block, far from it, but I wanted to be. I lied when I told women things I thought they wanted to hear, and lied to myself by rationalizing my wayward behavior. Ultimately, this false self image needed constant stroking which required more money and more lies, with the end results being more drama.

Over the years, one of the biggest lies I told myself was that there was nothing wrong with me. I had everything I wanted, so I resisted the suggestion that I wasn't as cool as a cucumber, while I masked my emotions. I was hiding from myself. No way was I going to entertain the thought that the problems of my life always started with me. Let me say that again. My problems ALWAYS started with me.

For unknown reasons  -  at least not sensible reasons   -  started robbing banks at an early age . Again, at the core of that decision were several lies. Yes, DRAMA, to say the least. I've talked about those experiences in other posts (I think I've deleted them) but the following is a couple of short takes.


I heard the shot, I felt the combustion, a loud thunderous roar, it felt as if air was trying to force it's way through my head. Jimmy Six told me no one would be killed, we were only taking guns to scare them. I'd seen people shot on television but it was nothing like this. Blood was spurting from the man and he was crying while moaning.


I was young, the world was in front of me and I wanted it all. I wanted to be cool like, cooler than cool, a mysterious bank robber, a family man like my father, tough as my brothers and go to college. I thought narcotics could be controlled, you didn't have to be a junkie, smooth was proof of that. Women whispered their pleasures to me and I entertained the possibilities. Cool was in me, it had touched my soul. I was about to travel a road that I could never have imagined, no one told me, they didn't know. At an early age I witnessed the small nuances between Tricks and the women that served them. Everyone enjoys the touch of another and many need to feel as if they belong. I learned that men who paid for the company of women didn't do so merely for sex, they needed to feel like they were a match for the women - that she may even like them. The women did not have to be beautiful, many were not. Eva wasn't in many opinions an attractive women. She was clean, barely 5'5" and overweight. However she was sweet and always carried a smile.


[The drama continued] I entered the bank after giving the appearance of a man shoveling snow outside. Bank robbery is relatively simple, there are seldom guards. It's the escape and entrance that harbored my concerns. Pedestrians can get in the way. After placing my shovel outside the door, I entered the bank, and without saying a word, I handed the tellers a large bag, suggesting that they should fill it. One fell to the floor, she was to scared and weak to comply. The other, with eyes widened, trembling from shock and fear, stumbled through the process. I was covered from head to toe, they couldn't tell if I was a man or a women, white or black. I walked out.

The basic lie in the above adventures is that I needed to do those things to make me and those around me, happy.

A lie is needed to support another lie, so again, the drama continued....

I was in the master bathroom, Benny was in the outer bedroom. I heard Joy call his name. She yelled, "Benny, what have you done. They were in town for a family reunion. I had a fairly large home and invited Benny to spend the weekend. Benny never left my home.... alive.


A big lie in that event surrounds the word friends. I needed people around me to make me feel special, but not all of them were my friends. I needed them and they needed me, and we all lied to each other, and one lost their life. Lies lies lies, DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA!

On another front, racism is drama based on several lies. The political arena is a drama based on a plethora of lies. I doubt if I have to explain those lies.


I've come to believe it's a fact that if I don't lie to myself or others, or hang around people and places were lies are prevalent, I can live a of drama free life.  And it's working.


Don't get me wrong, I didn't come to this conclusion over night. Not until it got real dark did I see the stars. But don't ask me to kiss your ass, because my new motto is... WHAT ABOUT A TIME CALLED NOW! Now I am going to ask you why you'd want me to do that? Then we will see if we were moving toward an event filled with lies, deceit and drama, or moving to a mutual agreement that one of us just wants to get their freak on. Hey, I might like kissing somebodies ass (you never know) and that's no lie. No lies, no drama... er'body be happy.



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