Sunday, August 1, 2010

CABIN IN THE SKY: If You Were My Girlfriend... again.

Jack & Jill ran up the hill to get a marriage license/ They found bliss and shared a kiss/ and that's the end of the story.

Wouldn't that be great? Through the storms of adultery, physical and mental abuse, uncommon interests, gambling, selfishness, alcoholism, deceit, sloth and boredom, wouldn't it be great if we all could be like Petunia (Ethel Waters) & Little Joe. Yes sir, Little Joe was a gambling womanizer but Petunia still loved her Little Joe. The devil tried to take Little Joe, but eventually they were hand in hand, walking to the Cabin In The Sky. That was a great movie. But what about now?

Now I am at a place of wonderment. I found myself here after reading a post by Tha L. http://rippdemup.blogspot.com/2009/11/guest-blogger-put-haterade-downiced-tea.html

Her post was eerily similar to mine. http://rippdemup.blogspot.com/2009/10/guest-blogger-why-are-you-speaking-so.html (that post received nearly 100 comments)


Those posts were basically saying the same thing... "Clean up your side of the street". Personally, I wonder what that means to me and to others. Well, I know what it means to me because I wrote the post. But, let me first say this, I have several flaws - okay. When I think about those flaws, I wonder why my love life has not been that bad.

Now, don't take this as a vane attempt to stroke myself or to stratify myself above the common man, but I've never lost at love. Nope, I've never had a woman leave me and I am still cool with every woman that I've had a serious relationship with. "Then why was there separation of any kind, CareyCarey?" . Well, before I went to jail for a serious crime, I was involved with a woman. She was cool, but I was not. I mean, I was in the grips of an addiction when I met her. While I was riding that storm, she was the one for me. She didn't even know I had an addiction, but I did. While I was incarcerated, she supported me. When I got out, she supported me. She bought my clothe and gave me transportation. Yet, when I removed myself from that storm, she wasn't the one for me. Without saying anything bad about her, she wasn't the one for me when I decided to start over. To this day we are cool, but I doubt we could ever be lovers again.

Earlier in my life, while I was in a committed relationship, I had an affair with another woman. In that relationship a child was born. This woman and I were tight, it's safe to say we were in love. However, I had to leave that relationship because I had a family and a woman waiting for me back home. I am still cool with that past lover. I hurt her, yet we remain friends.

I was married. I am now a widower. My present relationship is strong.

Having said all of that and admitting I have numerous character flaws, I sometimes wonder why the women have stayed around and/or continue to allow me to be their friend. But here is were I am at today.

I have a few boundaries. I do not do lies or deceit of any nature. And, a woman has to have very clean teeth and their breathe has to remain pleasant. Okay, I know some may think those shouldn't be major road blocks or reasons to fight love. But, for "me" they are.

If I can go back to the posts of Tha L's, and mine, err'body was talking and complaining about the other person. Well, what about the other person - you?

What if you could go back and be that girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife again, what are some of the things you would change about yourself? I mean, it's not always the other person's fault that a relationship did not last. Are there a few idiosyncrasies or outlandish requirements that you have, that might have put a wedge in your love life? More so, are there a few serious character flaws of your own that you've now discovered that you must give serious attention? Isn't it important that we check ourselves before we check down someone else?

No, it wasn't the shoes, it was me. No, it wasn't the woman, it was me, I was fu*ked up. Was it you? What was it about you that you've now come to believe must change. If you can't say it, you can't do it. If you can't find it, you can't fix it.

If you could go back, what would you change about yourself?!

See, that's were I am at today?

I have often wondered why I and others are afraid to share
intimate details about our self?

I've often heard individuals say there are parts of their lives they will only share with a select few. The deep question is ....why?

I've said this before but if it was true then, it remains true today... the way one goes in, is the way they will go out. Secrets, what are they good for?

I believe there's a universal fear that others will not like us or accept us if they knew intricate details of our past. I've come believe it's a vital mistake to concern oneself with what others may be thinking. For the most part, we will seldom have it right. An even deeper question is, what if they are right? So what... what changes?! I don't believe nothing really changes... nothing that truly matters!

Fear is a crazy thang. Frequently we don't know what's at it;s root... we really don't. Fear hides underneath shame and blame. Shame and blame are weak. They are like bullies in school yards. They finds those that are afraid of them and use that as a tool to offend them. When they are exposed, the bully runs away.

What's the real fear behind holding secrets about yourself? It's deep and many refuse to go there.

Yet, today I am wondering what you would change about yourself if you could do life all over again. Would it had been to any advantage to tell your lover all there is to know about you? What mistakes did you make that you wish you could take back? I am sure it's not always the other person's fault. Maybe, in some cases, it's totally the other person's fault that a relationship did not last, but if you asked me, or if I can use myself as an example, I doubt if "fault" lives on one side of the street.



Lovebabz said...
Hello kindred Brother!My life is pretty much an open book. I blog my life with as much authencity and truth as I can.I like you do not concern myself with what others think. I only try to keep my mind and heart clear and open.Your father was an amazing man to make you handle your responsibility. I am sure it was the hardest thing he had to do but it was necessary. Men like that seem to be fleeting. Thank you for sharing your story. If I were your girlfriend...I'd certainly want to know more :)

Solomon said...
I love your honesty in your writing. Keep it up brotha!

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...
The old me would only care what others thought. The new me is wide open and free to be. Love me or really like me.... but you won't hate me! My happiness is contagious (Smile) Love hearing about your life. Here's a little bit of mine. I was abandoned by my step dad, I never talked to anyone, my sister gave me a diary in 7th grade and I began writing and confiding w/my pen in hand, i was abused by my daughters father, sexually harrassed by my boss, cheated on by all the men in my life, tricked into joining law enforcement (lol) had my happily ever after crushed via a dear jane letter, gave my life to Christ and waiting to retire in 7 years.Thanks for listening (smile)Love, peace and blessings for a great day!

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...
PS - Check out my poetry blog when you get a moment. She is me and on my "single path" the words are clearer than they ever were!Love yadenisefuller.blogspot.com Hope you enjoy! No autographs though (LOL)


Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...
I am a firm beleiver in not telling everything to everyone. Not everyone can handle it. Nor do most peopple deserve to know you that intimately.

truth said...
Great post, What one feels comfortable telling to the world is subjective. I guess the more intimate details of my life, I would only tell to someone I trusted. There are sick people out there who would use things against you, so I only give information to folks I trust.

CareyCarey said...
I am so glad you guys dropped by to share your opinions! Truth, I'd like to go a little deeper. How can an individual hurt you? I ask this because I've had to go deep in trying to find what's really important in my life. Now I try to go to the worst case situation and see if its about me or something out of my control. Is it about my feelings or is about being afraid of facts?Tea, why don't people deserve toknow you that well. I truly believe in the old cliche "show me yours and I'll show you mine". Really, why don't they deserve to know everything about you ...what can't they handle? I am only asking to get more knowledge. What would happen to them? Again, what specifically can they do with it?



Lovebabz, I've read some of your story and I applaud your fearlessness. I was really impressed with the things you shared in "asouthernthang"


Denise ....or is it Ms. Fuller if i am...

Couldn't help putting a joke in a serious issue (that's what I do). Hey, I've heard it said that if someone shows/tells you who they are, believe them. I believe you.


What's up Solomon. I'll keep writing if you keep listening and dropping comments so I can hit you back. that reminds me. You're elusive, no blog spot?


Tee aka The Diva's Thoughts said...
I just beleive that people have to earn the right to know you on an intimate level. Some could use your vulnerability against you if they are not worthy.

Mizrepresent said...
I believe you need to reveal what you want and keep back what you want, until you are comfortable with that man or woman. My life is, nor ever will be an open book, but for the man in my life...i am willing to share, if he is willing to except.


Strongblkwmn said...
I use to care what others thought, but those days are over. I'm just a really private person and reserve all that is me for a trusted few. I have been revealing things in my blog and that's huge for me. Your father rocks!If I were your girlfriend, i'd definitely want to know more and you would know all about me.

truth said...
CareyCarey,I think what you're hinting at is correct. Secrets make situations worse and people who care about us, usually will accept what we perceive as being bad about us. Most people have their own issues, similar problems, so were not alone like we think we are. Besides, secrets generally have an irrational element to them. Because you never told anyone, you never got any feedback on the issue, which means we blow it out of proportion.With that said, there are con — artist and predators among us. For instance, if a single woman or man is in public bragging about living alone and having a lot of material possessions, you can see how telling your business would be unwise.

CareyCarey said...
Okay Truth, you put me up on something. I never looked at it that way. When I posed the question, I wasn't thinking about physical harm or harm through forms of deception. Okay, I can see your point.

Keith said...
I may have cared what others thought when I was younger, but I never acted as though I did,so people were never really sure.Your Father reminds me of mine..They were both old school dudes and both made you do what you were "supposed to do."I enjoyed this post....it reminds me a lot of me. Keep writing and I'll keep readin!

A.Smith said...
Oh gosh Carey. I would change SO much. I remember when things went down the toilet with me and my ex and he was trying to salvage anything he could, he asked me if I would remember anything good about our relationship and I told him no. I regret doing that everyday -- but for reasons I'll share at another time -- though anyone who reads my blog can probably guess why.Anywho, I said "no" more because I felt like it was all his fault than anything else. Since that time I've become aware of how narrow-sighted and selfish that was. I was not perfect, I was horribly imperfect and I get that -- very important lesson I had to learn, for sure.

CareyCarey said...
Hi A. Smith,You don't know how much I appreciate your comments. I see you are going into social work (I think). To some degree, that is what I do. Through this journey, I've learned valuable information about myself. In order for me to feel comfortable about telling others how to change, I have to walk the talk. You, Ms Smith, have a gift that many will never achieve. You have the courage to admit your faults AND voice them. What leaves the heart will find another. I believe you are heading in the right direction. Yes, it's frequently not about the other person. Selfishness is a mean thang.Thanks for stopping by.

Solomon said...
Nobody is perfect. There are always things we would do differently if we could do it all over again. In my last relationship there are quite a few things I would change if I could do it all over again. For one thing I would call more in the beginning of the relationship instead of treating it like a booty call early on. Then I would be more open about what I wanted in the relationship. I don't think I was very good at talking about my needs, especially at first. Then there is my character flaw of me not being able to tell somebody how I feel about them. Well, I think I was so damaged I really didn't know how I felt but at least I could have tried right! I also know that in my past relationships I wasn't always emotionally available. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get to that point of emotional attachment, at least for a while anyway. Then there are the "warning signs" that I was always good at ignoring. If I was serious about the relationship I should have went with my gut and not ignored the signs. As with anyone I can be selfish when it comes to things I expect in a relationship. Nobody is perfect and I'd say I'm far from it. Sometimes I didn't listen to her needs when making decisions and I realize now that I was being selfish. I think I would be in a much better place to be in a relationship now after working on these issues. My last relationship was hard because I felt so damaged from all the drama of my previous relationships. You can only move forward right! Hopefully from here on out things will work out better and I won't be so damn selfish!

uglyblackjohn said...
Whaaaaat?Man, I can only give my nephews and young cousins advice on what NOT to do when it comes to women.I get some really great women but I always seem to eff it up.

FreeMan said...
Why do I feel I'm at a Catholic confessional? I lived in Philly and I met the one! I salsa danced with her on Thursday and she was down to earth and understood money so we ate out occasionally and spent most times chilling at my house.Then I got accepted to Law School and I was so short sighted and she understood how big of a break it was for me that we parted ways. I look back all the time thinking I should've fought harder but I accepted my fate. I was so used to leaving everything behind in order to get on top that I thought shit this is one more of those times.I don't have many regrets but she's ONE! Life picked up so fast after that I never caught up with her and haven't found her again after some searching! I've been fighting so long to right the ship of my life and circumstances that I sacrificed a good part of my life in the process.

CareyCarey said...
Freeman my son, god be with you:-).Man, but don't you feel better now?But really, I believe there's something special in admitting we may have been wrong. Selfishness is one of the core issues of breakups.@ Uncle Black, man now come on. You can do better than that. Even MadMoney Freeman dropped a tear. You could have at least told us a piece of your ish. There may be a young man reading this and they could learn from your evil ways *lol*@ solomon, tell me Solomon, how's your present love life? It seems like you have a few answers.

BigmacInPittsburgh said...
Well if you aren't honest about why a rlationship didn't work then you are dume to repeat the mistake.I really have not dug deep enough I believe I keep getting hooked up with the wrong woman.My big problem is the cookie box,I get hooked and ignor the warning signs.

CareyCarey said...
@ Big Mac with extra cheese. See, I'm noticing a pattern. Ms. A.Smith showed us her's and I'd hope the guys would follow suit. But oh no, the men came up in here talking about money and booty. *lol*I mean, didn't yawl notice how Ms Smith said she was horribly imperfect. She went deep. But lord have mercy, the brothas couldn't dig past their Johnson and their billfolds.Dang, you guys have reduced us to tricks and sugardaddy's. You guys have no excuses either. @ your blogs, you guys go deep. But on this subject, you guys didn't dig deep, you took a short cut - to the tail end.I am so disappointed in my brothas :-)

Mizrepresent said...
I would have kicked him to the curb the first time he cheated instead of giving him another 10 years of my time. What would i change about myself...i would have been more up front about my needs and desires, and i wouldn't have taken a backseat to my dreams so that he could live his. I could have loved him more, if i hadn't stopped liking him.

BigmacInPittsburgh said...
GUILTY,GIVE ME TWENTY JUDGE CAREY!Its a good thing when we can check each other.

CareyCarey said...
LOL @ Big Mac. Yes, it's a good thang that men can say what needs to be said and not get offended.Since you threw yourself on the mercy of the court, I'm only going to sentence you to church :-). But you're on probation.

FreeMan said...
@Carey - Yeah I'm alright I'm just putting it out there for this post!"Freeman my son, god be with you" LMBAO - man I didn't drop a tear I'm just saying for all that I have won in life I still lost on my way.MADAMAN FreeMan whuh? LOL

uglyblackjohn said...
@ Carey - Okay, which one?- The one I sent to England for a semester at college so I could have more time to cheat on her only to have her meet the guy she would marry.- The one who was my dream girl, but I had to get that last piece (from a girl I'd wanted to hit for a month) before settling for "The One" only to get caught because I gave her (the dream girl) the clap?- The one that was perfect in every way except she was only 5'6' (below my minimum 5'7" height minimum)?I was an ass to women - even the ones I truly loved.I had always assumed that it was always about me - but when the women would agree with that, I would get bored with them and try to find another conquest.So you see... three quick examples of "What NOT to do".

Tha L said...
I like this Carey. Good lookin' out on reiterating the message so eloquently LOL! Now, what would I change about myself if I could go back? Hmm...although I don't believe in going back, I know it's so important to learn from the past. For the short time that I was married almost ten years ago, I was extremely bossy, selfish, and a huge clean freak. If I were to ever get married again, I would definitely have to continue working on those things. But honestly, I enjoy living alone too much, so that marriage thing may not be for me :-)

CareyCarey said...
*lol* @ Tha L, yeah reference your "eloquence" I had to come with a different flavor in this post. I tried not to talk all nasty and stupid :-)I agree, sometimes going back is not the thang to do. But again, as you said, we should never forget the past. And I've lived with a couple of clean freaks, and for the most part, I loved it.

No comments: