There are lessons to be learned from the Jewish community. They are adamant about never letting the world forget about their Holocaust. We as "post racial blacks" have closed our eyes to the horrors of slavery. Yeah, we have a few museums that display a bronzed slave catcher standing guard over a bent head African. I saw Alex Haley's Roots, it was a nice sterile movie. How, or why have we given our history to the ones that shaped it. To the victor goes the spoils - huh.
Didn't we lose millions to the middle passage and the years of slavery!? Can you imagine your skin being rubbed off in the bottom of a dank dark slave ship? Can you imagine the horrors of smelling death laying next to you .....for months? Go a few days without a bath and then imagine laying on your back shackled like a dog while another person's feces dripped down on you - day after day for months on end. How much therapy or medication would it take to rid oneself of the images of a daughter been led away to be raped and raped again and never returned. When death becomes a viable alternative to living, that which ushered in that existence needs to be remembered, I've been there. I've lived through my own holocaust.
I rarely write social commentary and although this post started in that direction, it was merely my way of saying... NEVER FORGET. It was inspired by pprscribe @ http://postpostracial.wordpress.com/ . Now here is the core of today's post.
Have you ever felt like giving up? I've been there! Well, there's no more rain in these clouds. My new motto is "What About A Time Called Now"!
However, I been to a place that I don't ever want to forget. Not just a place in time, but in my heart and in my mind, there is a place I don't ever wish to return to. Never forget!
But, be my friend for a few minutes. I need to take someone with me. Lets go back together.
I was talking to Tia @ http://tias-mind.blogspot.com/ she was saying how she used her blog to get through troubled times. She said writing about her pain helped her get to another place.
During the darkest periods of my life, I started a journal. I started that journal over 15 years ago. I had bought into the ideology that men didn't cry, so I cried to and in my journal. I did not have a place to hang my hat, so I wrote in my journal. In retrospect, I think I may have been unconsciously leaving a suicide note. I've never contemplated suicide but there's been periods in my life in which I didn't wish to wake up.
If you would, come with me to my journal. I never want to forget where I came from, and thus, never return. So I want to share a little of my struggle with you:
*Journal notes, May thru July, 199*:
I am down on the ground. My demons have kicked my ass. I lost my home. I went to jail for a major crime. I am lost, I don't know how to do this thang called life. Man, I am lost. I have no real friends, they are all gone. I do have one friend named Gerald who has saved me on several occasions. He too lost his wife so he can relate to this journey. However, that is our only similarities. Yet he has truly been a real friend and I am blessed to have one.Cont....I am broke and jobless. I have no direction, yet I still have dreams and hope. I am lost but I haven't given up. I am lonely, I am blessed. I am continually amazed at the blessing that have come my way in spite of myself. I like nothing about my life. I am trapped in this nightmare and I continually go down and down. I've lost my way. I still have dreams and hope but I am lost. I've hurt my children by my self destructive ways. I have a wonderful daughter and a strong son. I've let them down. They need me and I need them. I have a grandson named after me. Yeah, my daughter named him after me and my son. Damn, what am I doing? How can I get right. I am drowning. I tried for days to fight this thang and I could not hold out. I went out and threw bricks at the penitentiary. I don't know what to do. I am confused. I can't do this on my own and I know it. I have to ask for help. I can't do this on my own!
Cont.... Was not welcomed. I have past experiences with them. I'll try something else but what? Further down, I am falling deeper into despair. The car stopped on me today. I have been hearing strange sounds coming from under the hood for about 2 weeks. Today I lost all my gages on the dashboard. Shortly after the car........forget it. The car is dead! My demon is rampant.
Pain-hope-death-jail-depression-fear-love-work-jobless-breadline-salvation army-homeless-no running water-no lights-stealing-lying-church-calling out to god-loss of my children's respect- a GRANDSON! Depression-lights aglow- hope on the horizon-dark tunnels-awake to emptiness-loneliness-music-car problems- the loss of my best friend, my rock, my love ...she is gone. Years without her. I've been floating on the brink of ........of........ nothingness. How could I go from earning six figures, to this degree of living? How, when ...when will I know. I can't give up!!! I must pray for the courage to fight. I love my kids. I think I did a good job of raising them. I showed them right and wrong. They are good people.
Great post Carey I never contemplated suicide but I sure wanted to walk away from life.
Thank you jj, I feel you. I didn't know where I was going but I knew I couldn't stay there
INCREDIBLE WRITING, JUST INCREDIBLE
IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY!!!
I think all writers have had their own seperate hells.
Thanks Keith. If a person doesn't believe in the adage "no pain, no gain" I will simply tell them to live a little and maybe they should stock up on a few items because I've yet to hear of a life that's absent of tribulations.
Tia's Real Talk said...
I am not often lost for words or speechless, but the Carey has caught my tongue. lol
If at a poetry reading, you would get a standing snap! (they snap instead of clap)
Let me first start by saying thank you for the plug, and thank you for sharing and revealing your soul. Even if you felt it didn't help you, it did. Satan now knows that you are no longer holding on to this. He want secrecy so he can play with your mind, but you are overcome by your testimonies! This will help so many of us learn what to say and how to help others. We dont always have to experience things to learn a lesson. I learn very well from others. My heart felt pain when you spoke of losing your wife but mostly of how you speak so negatively about yourself. Your daughter naming her son after you is because of the man you have become, not because of the man you once were. You have strength beyond belief. It didn't kill you, you lived to tell another story and for that you are strong. He wouldn't allow it if it was meant to kill you. Thats not HIS purpose or plan for your life. Thank you so much for trusting us to share your most inner thoughts with. My hat is off to you!!!
Don't you feel better just a lil? Admit it. lol
Well Tia, I first have to say that you did inspire this post. We've shared a few "exchanges" and I thank you for that. On the issue of feeling better, I have been working on the belief that no words can harm me ...mine or others. By that I mean, if it's the truth I either can accept it or let it drown me. As I mentioned, those words were written several years ago, so I've had time to process the emotions that go along with them. It is however a new experience to share them with the world. Of course there is more, but even though I believe my words can not harm me, I decided to post parts of my "middle passage" before the first and last parts of my journal because some of my journey is still hard to visit. I may explain that in a future post.
A standing snap huh? Okay, thank you. I know that you do not go clubing anymore (read you post) so I am sending a hug your way and not a shot of Jack Daniels. Wait, you probably are/were a cognac drinker. But no drinks from me, only a kiss on the cheek.
WOW, and I'll be the first to tell you I've been down that hole myself now your way to get there wasn't the same as mine but I can truly understand. It's not suicide but it's the long hard trek to right the ship and there ain't no sunshine for a while. I used to tell people my life was so bad I just kept my head down until I bumped into the sun. So when you talk about suicide in the I ain't going to do it but if I'm not here tomorrow I'll be cool with it way I have had that experience too.
The good thing brother is we live to see another day. Out of that craziness came a reason and also a bravado of thinking to myself I've taken the blows and I know these cats who say they are like me are way the hell off.
On point, the reason why Blacks don't speak of their holocaust is because we are still with the Germans. Also, most educated Blacks want to say we have moved on and no need to dwell on the past. If anyone really looked at what was done it'll be hard to want to be an American with these white guys. The it wasn't me it was my ancestors speech wouldn't fly. Look homie we just don't have as many pictures as the Jews do to build a museum, but we have our last names and their religion to proves something is obviously wrong!
Good point Freeman, several educated blacks wish others to believe the struggled started with Martin luther king. Truth be told, if there wasn't a Malcolm, Huey or even H Rap Brown, there wouldn't be a King holiday.
You're right, we don't have the pictures of piles of bones or people being thrown overboard. I could have went somewhere with that post but I decided to go in another direction ...some can't stand the truth or don't want to hear it.
Yeah man, as I've said in other posts, I've been nigga rich but my struggles showed me the importants of finding out what really matters. When I took my fall I had a brand new car sitting in the garage. I ordered it ...I backed that baby off the delivery semi. I was the first one to fart in it *smile*. I was a rabbit. I jumped out of the gate real fast. Now I am a turtle, slow and steady.
Suicide wasn't an option for me but at the time it looked real good. Hell, I was a dead man walkin', all I needed was a grave.
I now live by the motto: "What About A Time Called Now" it's gonna be alright in the morning, just hold on and do the right thang.
I am very grateful to be here ...alive and sane!
This is one of your most poignant posts, so real, so you...all of which we talked about before. It takes a whole lot of courage to share your life and your pains with strangers, so i commend you on that...but u should know, your sharing is a blessing. It helps others...funny how our pains heals others huh...God is truly at work here.
Thanks Miz, but before you throw out any more "good stuff" another post is coming up and ...yes, I think I drpped your name *smile*.
Nope, didn't even ask you *lol*.