See, I think it's safe to say that for many of us, a place of comfort and a piece of mind is an illusive dream. For many it seems to be censored and ultimately censured away. It visits, yet it's quickly impeded by the shenanigans of life, some of which are fulfilling, some are necessary and many are tiring. Well, as of late, that has been my story. Comfort has kissed me, she holding me down, yet I believe she's strangling my growth, and therein lies my problem. I am unfortunately loving it. I am clinging to this comfort like a person that has kissed the sky. In my heart I know it's foolish behavior. It's a place of limited challenges and little rewards, but I can't seem to find the motivation to turn my lover into a distant lover; a lover to be visited only at the right place and at the right time.
I don't want this to appear as a "poor ol'Carey" story because it is not. It is the testimony of a man that cried for comfort and she arrived. This is an open letter to my new lover, telling her and asking her ....if you love me, like I love you, motivate me, set me free. I know my wish is not your command, but if you love me, as I love you .....
As I mentioned, there are many things I should be doing. I should be exercising; I am not getting younger, I am growing older. I should be cultivating my friends, giving something back, but I've lapsed into laziness and I am staying content in my own space. It's a place that doesn't require much effort and thus I receive little reward. I merely stay comfortable.
I 've often said that I am not a writer but I write, I have a blog. The term is derived from web log; a web based log or journal. Just an old journal - right? I wonder if my hesitancy to call myself a writer is a cop-out? I wonder if that's a license for me to dangle a few modifiers and use non-logical connections between two coordinated statements or to use connections that contradict common sense. It's easier, I don't have to think about it. I don't have to be concerned with proper English. As of late, I 've grown lazy. I can place a comma anywhere I please, or give little thought to where I stick a semi-colon. My love, Miss Comfort, has given me the green light to do whatever I please. Comfort is good every once in a while, but it could be my demise.
With blase' leading the way, today I ventured to my blogspot and found a serendipitous reward. Another blogger had posted the passing of a fellow blogger named Nikki. I didn't know her but after reading all the praise of her, I visited her site. Her writing was intoxicating. She was bold and splendidly insightful. She unfolded simple issues into multilayer events. I found something when I went by her house. Read following that I copied from her blog http://iniquitous1.blogspot.com/ It blew me away.
"i've found that for me, 'safe' is dangerous.'safe' has a way of starving a life of meaning until it's left a stale skeleton emaciated from a diet of empty memories.i spent over a decade living the 'safe' life, marrying a man who lacked the significance to pose a threat to my heart, but he was the 'good brotha' everyone told me i was supposed to marry.just like i'm hearing now how i'm supposed to take this job in atlanta because it means saving money and living in relative comfort without any personal challenges because seriously, it'd be hard
for me to struggle in atlanta. i will always have a place to live, always be able to find affordable housing, and despite my complaints, will always be able to get a date.
'safe' .........i find myself at a crossroads. in the past,
when i heard folk say that, i'd be like "what in the fuck does THAT mean?!?"now i know.it is at this moment on my mortal timeline when i am paralyzed, my future forked into prongs of possibilities, my present knifed into shavings of
indecision, my past spooned into a bowl of listless existence.this moment when i realize all of the experiences prior to now were merely preparing me for the monumental decision i will soon have to make, the decision which will ultimately determine where my life moves from here" - Nikki, February 11th 2009.
I didn't know Nikki but she gave me inspiration and motivation. Her words gave me a better understanding of how precious life is and how short it can be. If I am not moving forward, it's likely I am moving backwards. I wonder if I am a writer or a blogger or aimlessly standing still?