Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Bend Over And Take It From A Man!

But, don’t take this ass whoopin’ personally. However, this post is going to piss-off a few folks. Well, particularly those individuals that are quick to give advice on topics in which their reference, or source of knowledge is woefully flawed.

In reference to maintaining a lasting relationship, what kind of a special kind of fool would I be if listened to someone that has never had a lasting relationship, and/or is not presently in a "good" relationship?

This is going to hurt me more than it’s going to hurt you, but listen. Although it’s been said – many times and many ways – some folks can’t stand the truth. But if you don’t trust me, or have more faith in the female race, lets put on our rabbit ears and listen to a few honest women.

Now, before we begin, check this, these women have no reason to lie. Granted, there are those that are constitutionally incapable of telling the truth, but today, these women don’t even know we’re listening.

Miss Tigrrrr: “Too be honest, I think many of the women who are married are women who knew from the get-go that marriage was one of the things they wanted most in life. And somebody (probably momma) gave them some good pointers on how to get and keep a man's attention”

See, right Miss Tigrrr, is talking a whole lot of facts! But let’s not stop there. She also said, “In my 20's I expected to be pursued and somehow the whole thing would magically happen. In my 30's I had fun being single. In my 40's, marriage was starting to look like a bad deal - all work, no play. Now in my 50's, I can only afford to marry somebody who is gonna make the rest of this journey easier (financially, emotionally, spiritually.)”

Now, I don’t think I have to explain her words, but I’ll get back to them. Let’s sneak up on another honest woman. There’s Cookie, let’s we see what she has to say. Cookie: “ I was in a very abusive marriage. I stayed with my husband far too long because I thought all men were like him. Until I met my new guy, I realized I’d never been around good men. My father was not in my life and my mother has been married 5 times. My sister’s husband has been in and out of jail, and all my uncles are dogs”

Boy oh boy, Cookie’s words spoke volumes. But listen, the next woman sends a message that most women would love to champion. But see, even though several women raised their pom poms, I think most men will hear a different tune.

Blu Jewel’s open letter It starts off like this: “First let me preface this by saying that I am in no way bitter, angry, or any negative emotion one can think of. In fact, I’m completely lucid, emotionally liberated, and happy; very happy. Furthermore, none of this is said to hurt, insult or offend, but merely to express some things that were not previously said.

My moment of sublime emotional clarity came when I realized that while I’m the gold at the end of the rainbow, you are simply not ready for receiving what 1) has always been yours and 2) that you’re afraid to be rich with all the emotional rewards that come with being with a woman like me”

Oh yeah! That was good, but I’ll bet a dollar to a dime, that after reading the whole letter, a man’s view will be completely different. Yes sir, a few good women stood up and cheered, but I am left to wonder if they knew exactly what they were cheering about? Hey, don’t ask yourself, ask a man. I mean, a woman may hear bells of freedom, but... for whom does the bell really toll?

What’s your point, Carey?

I am glad you asked, and I’m gonna give it my best shot! Tigress said, momma said. Cookie said, she didn’t know. Blu Jewel gave her point of view about "herself"!

If everyone agrees to handle the truth, I’ll move forward. Well, like it or not, I’m going there. I am of the opinion that if a person shows me who they are, I should believe them. Meaning, I am looking to see if they are walking the talk or just giving their opinion.

Within the previous heartfelt letters and testimonies, I heard something loud and clear. I heard... “Don’t follow the yellow brick road”... aka, the wrong ass.

Statistics say the abused will frequently become the abuser. I believe those words to be true. In fact, I know they are. Of all the women that are presently without a good man, I wonder how many of them came from a broken home? If I was a gambling man, I’d bet those numbers are huge. I also wonder how many women learned their womanly skills from their mother, who may not have been a good role model? Don’t get me wrong, or miss the point. Feeding and clothing a child is one thing, but showing them the proper way to voice their concerns is a different story. To stick and stay – with a man – may not be the best way. To tolerate abuse, may not be the best move. It’s my opinion that if a woman is absent of two very important elements in her life – a good father AND a good mother – chances are, she will struggle with the image of a good black man. More importantly, she might have a hard time interacting with one. Also, she may resort to asking the wrong questions to the wrong individuals.

It’s been said that if a doctor prescribes their own cure, he has a fool for a physician.

Ask not, want not! Women should ask men – about men -- not women. Don’t ask your neighbor (sistah gurl) ask a man! The truth is a tough titty to suck, but if it's not sucked, one might be be found saying... "Bitch Is The New Intelligent Black Woman", or something like that.

In short, watch who's ass you followig? The life you save, could be your own.

Think not? Don't be afraid to tell me why.


Blu Jewel said...

Carey, Carey; my darling sweet Carey! If you didn't put the gavel down on this post! I applaud you a thousand times over because you spoke the truth in ways many are too afraid to. They wanna sugar coat shit and call it candy thinking that it's the best way. Nah, son, I ain't buying that. Give it to me straight no chaser because only good can come from the truth.

I've been that woman who learned the dysfunctional lessons from her mother and I've been the woman who was abused (emotionally/mentally. I stayed for all the WRONG reasons until I had a come to Jesus meeting not only with Him, but my boys. I dug at the root of my issues instead of simply pruning branches like many do. When I got the clarity I needed, I took what I'd learned to my boys who educated with all the tools and resources I needed to act and be right. They are my biggest supporters and I thank them for their brutal honesty. When you know better, you do better!

Just yesterday, on of said boys told me I'm a treasure and any man who gets me is getting a good thing. He said I'm worthy of all the goodness that comes with being in a happy and functional relationship and any man that comes into my life will have to see him if he acts up.

You're so right that women NEED to stop running to their gurls because many of their gurls are going through the same thing; go to the man and force him to be not just honest with you, but himself too.

There is great pride in being single instead of settling for being anything less than number one and many of us need to stop deluding ourselves into thinking that we don't need a man. What we don't need is the WRONG man.

I've always said that women are their own worst enemy. I hope this post will help some women to get right.

Thanks again Carey for this post and also for the shout out; you made me blush!

It's all posstible!

CareyCarey said...

Hello Blu Jewel, many may not know that you were the very first person to comment @ my blog.

Several months ago, you stopped by to encourage me and give me words of wisdom. So today, it was only fitting, that you came back to continue our journey. I took a calculated risk, that you or others would mis-read my post. But you didn't fail me.

You stood up and said you've been wrong. But through your journey, you had to look for the right answers, in all the right places. Big ups to you, because seeking self-discovery is a daunting task. Just as you said, many what to sugar coat their mess. Some individuals desire the soft and easy way, and thus, fail to see the core of their problems.

I have a response from one of the other women I used in that post. Like you, she mentioned her main source for her return to sanity. I'll hold those words until another time.

Maybe she and other women will stop by and share their journey.

I am also looking for a few good men.

Thanks Blu Jewel

Mizrepresent said...

I think this is perhaps the main reason i haven't just "settled"...i don't have to! i don't listen to girlfriends advice, too old for that, been there done that...i would rather be burned by my on bad decision then do that. I have several very good male friends and we talk all the time, believe it or not, they are just as surprised as i am that i haven't settled down again, and yet they know me well enough and know the type of man i want in my life. This was a great assessment on how some women think and an act with regards to relationship advice or the lack of...but for me, it's more like standard practice. Loved everything about post except the title, lol. The image i pictured was not nice at all.

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Great Post. I'm one of those women whose father was absent, so yes; I didn't know a good man. All of my boyfriends cheated on me. And that's why I said I'd never get married. Low and beyond this fine man came along and conviced me that it would work. I surely fell for it and him.

He cheated as well. Once I finally sat still and played back the story of my life, I came to realize that my dad's absence was a Major factor.

Once I found him and the Lord, I became a whole person and a better judge of what and who was best for me.

Now when the right man comes along, he will recieve a jewel! I am ready for love and I am open to sharing my whole self, something a man had never gotten from me.

The wall is down and the heart receptive.

Love, peace and blessings

PS Have a great weekend!

CareyCarey said...

Laugh @... with Miz. "Loved everything about post except the title, lol. The image i pictured was not nice at all"

There is another story behind that title, but what did you expect, a porn video? :-)

Shame on you Miz, you're my kind of woman.

But seriously, my father used to give us whoopings by having us lay across his lap. Hence (sort of), bend over and take it from dad. Now Miz, you'll have to come back and tell us what was on your mind *wink*. Don't tell us you are educated, beautiful and kinky? :-)

Miz, I've read some of your stories about your father. And you've shared a little of your married life. I am glad you stopped by and shared a little wisdom. Also, I don't know if you remember, but early in our friendship, I remember asking you if you had a belief in God. I remember that day because I was just returning from a "fall". Anyway, I see that your faith has sustained you, and that's a good thang!

@ Miss Butterfly... What did you think of the title? You can take the 5th *lol*.

But on a serious tip, I am hesitant to put God in many of my posts. Many people are not ready for that message. But those that are, will find that theme in many of my posts. You found it because you are looking for it, and it's obvious that you are a better person because of your beliefs.

As my post implied, we get what we are looking for. You looked back at your whole life and then went about changing things that you can control. That's big. I think good things are coming your way.

I have not arived, and one day I may be tempted. My number is 563-T H E - E V I L (devil) Holla :-)

FreeMan said...

Can I grab the mic Carey? How about stop saying you are a gift or a prize or a queen or a emperess because I the MAN will let you know what I think I have. It's like giving me a 1987 Chevelle and saying if I were you I would love to have a car any car! Mfer c'mon with that angle.

What most women don't know is 85% of the cats they run into have been lying to them. They don't want to hear that your conversation is boring, I sometimes wonder if you are stupid, solve your own damn problems before you come this way, I ain't the last Ni99a who broke your heart and I ain't in the mending hearts business. Without your papa most women don't know what they should be appreciated for. They don't know what it even feels like for someone to love them unconditionally.

The funny thing to me is they are out there hunting for something they can't identify. Elmer Fudd asses going out hunting Wabbit. I know this is harsh but come to grips with what you are negative in and build it up in yourself. Most Men have their mothers so they have a good idea of what love is supposed to look like and that's why they can't deal with a woman who isn't trying to take care of them and expect them to do the manly duties. Instead we got women who want a say in everything. Look on the FreeMan family tree my Gmoms told my sisters a woman only has to ask once if she is taking care of a Man. Most of these women want to be a victim in so much of their life that they think marriage is a competition.

I forgot the cat who put this on my site a while back but...

"Ask for What You Offer"....

If you aren't going to be a Woman about all things how can you expect a Man to be.

CareyCarey said...

I knew a man would comment on this post. Although I wouldn't totally agree with everything you said (most though), I see that you caught what I was trying to say.

I don't know if you read Blu Jewels entire letter, but I think men heard a different story than women. Simply put, I heard what she wasn't saying. I am not in any form or fashion, implying it was a negative message, but again, the message - I assume - plays different to men.

Maxine said...

Carey, I gotta disagree with you on this one I'm afraid, but then it's kinda agreeing as well in a way. The worst black relationships I've seen are from people whose parents stayed together when they definately should not have been: IE their home SHOULD have been broken, they never fitted together and their union only cause damage to all involved...and now their children are repeating their mistakes.

That said, I also think the 'needing a father' line is as much about men needing to feel needed as the 'needing a mother' like is about women feeling needed.

I believe there are no prerequisites for a healthy relationship. Sometimes monogamy of longjevity are as dangerous as infidelity and flings.

CareyCarey said...

Yes Maxine, I believe we are agreeing. As I mentioned in my post, staying to long in an unhealthy relationship, could give the wrong signal to all that are affected by the unhealthy atmosphere.

Case in point. The daughters, and son, can not learn how to forge a good relationship. It's true that many positive things can be learned from the mistakes of others, but, absent a balanced view, the lessons, unfortunatly, will be lacking some basic ingredience to form a union with someone of the other sex.

Also, I vehemently disagree with your following assessment...

Maxine: "I also think the 'needing a father' line is as much about men needing to feel needed as the 'needing a mother' like is about women feeling needed"

Maxine, as witnessed by the previous testimonies, a man's presence is vital in the formation of an image of "a good man" or in some cases, "a losey man".

A man not only show's their daughter the characteristics of a good man, they can also inform them on how to be a good woman.

The interactions of two responsible parents, shows the children how to compromize, how to form roles within a home, when and how to solve disputes, and what bridges not to cross.

Therefore, I stand on my position that a man plays an integral part in the formation of a good woman.

I think you will agree that it's easier to stop a train from moving than it is to stop it after it's rolling down the track. Well, if a father notices his daughter is exhibiting behavior that may lead to her destruction, he might say... "hold up my daughter that I love, you might want to rethink your reasoning on "that" one".

And then a good man would tell her why. If he's not around, the poor child might be left to wander. She might make mistakes because she simply didn't know any better.

Strongblkwmn said...

Excellent post! My son is about to be a father and I am definitely stressing how important it will be for him to be in his daughter's life (if he has a girl). My father wasn't always there but the time we spent together had such quality and I learned so many lessons that I didn't really notice until I got older. Fathers really need to be a man of substance in their daughters lives so that they can take that example out into the world with them.

I have never been one to go to my girls with my relationship problems. It just doesn't work. I have one friend that I talk to and that's it. One is enough.

Tia said...

Thanks for putting it out there! These are things I already knew because I had them. Now, free will and choice does allow me to tread away from what I know is better to rush off and get burnt by the fire my mother and father already told me was hot!

Anonymous said...

Carey Carey,
Again, letting it just flow!!!!!!
We have to stop settling and know our own worth.
The truth may not always be what we want to hear, but it is a eye opener.
I'm a firm believer, that if someone can't treat you right, love you back, and here's the big one see your worth, LET IT GO!!!!
I totally agree with Blu Jewel