Sunday, September 25, 2011

Can I Have Some? I need some of that! I will be gentle.

One child grows up to be
Somebody that just loves to learn
Another child grows up to be
Somebody we just love to burn

"Carey, what I've been learning on blogs like yours and Kit's is that people benefit from us sharing that hard stuff. It's not easy to share, but it makes me feel good to know other people relate and appreciate it" - Ms Ashley Smith

Why is it hard to share the hard stuff, and why do people appreciate [it]?

I have a brother that's deep in a storm. Well, he was duel addicted to crack and heroin. To some degree he still is. See, someone had this great idea to give addicts a synthetic drug that has the same narcotic effect of heroin, and thus, champion the addict as cured. Not cured but "better".

Okay, better, what does that mean?

If I give a mother of 4 children, 600 dollars, and then tell her she can sit on her fat ass and do nothing, is she better? She didn't have any money to start with, so is she better? Better at what, better how?!

In the case of my brother, lets talk about the real thang. Now that he's getting his "approved" drug from an "approved" dealer, is he really better? Better at what, better how?!

Now he HAS to take a drug that is 10 times stronger than heroin (Every day of rest of his life). And regardless of what the drug company says, I am here to tell you that his new drug is an opiate, just like heroin. It's users nod, scratch, and medicate their souls. In short, they get high high high, and don't let nobody tell you differently. The drug is called Methadone. We call it Gorilla Juice. If a person had a monkey on their back, once they start taking Methadone, they then have a gray back gorilla on their ass. I've been through a storm but I've never taken Methadone. Well, not legally.

My brother is better, but he is still the same immature person that he's always been. He's insecure and afraid of his emotion. If you ask him, he would tell you he wasn't really an addict. He conveniently forgets that he's the same person that literally sold the shoes off his feet to get high. He forgets that he's the same person that sold all his families Christmas gift - to get high. He conveniently forgets that day a man knocked on his door to take possession of his wife's car that he sold to a dope dealer - without her consent and/or knowledge. He once told our mother that he had cancer, so he could bilk her out of her money. Yep, he's still basically the same guy, but now he's drinking Methadone. I've come to believe it allows him to stay in his comfort zone. No growth can be found while living with a child's mind.

When I question him on why he consistently runs from the hard "stuff" - like growing up, and being a responsible man - he says he's not ready for that. He said he has to wait until his new drug settles in to hold him down.  He's been waiting for 3 years!  Yet, ever morning he gets up, leaves his home and drives several miles to sign in for his legalized fix.  The begging question is... WHY? Why are we all of afraid of the hard stuff?

A women that I see on a regular basis has a daughter that's a lesbian. Upon first hearing about her daughter, she was hurt. She didn't know anything about lesbians. She only knew what others said about them. Of course, much of what she heard was rooted in ignorance. She thought she had done something wrong. Yet, through a little pain, knowledge and a lot of prayer, she's now very comfortable with her daughter's lifestyle. In fact, her daughter, that once was married to a man, is soon to be married to a woman. And check this, they got my dumb ass up in the wedding. Yep, not only am I in the wedding, I'm the MC at the reception. It's a family affair.

The hard stuff: Why is it so hard to let it go?
Mom loves the both of them
You see it's in the blood
Both kids are good to mom
blood's thicker than the mud, it's a family affair

You can't leave 'cause your heart is there
Sure you can't stay 'cause you been somewhere else
You can't cry 'cause you'll look broke down
But you're cryin anyway 'cause you're all broke down

It's A Family Affair - Sly Stone

I need some love. Can I get some of that? I don't mind the hard stuff. What about you?

Well, the questions and answers to this post can be found in the comment section. Yes sir, there's a few fights going on. Join in if you don't mind the hard stuff.


CurvyGurl ♥ said...

Like you said, Carey, "No growth can be found while living with a child's mind." I have family members who are still stuck in the blame, woe is me mode for various reasons but who's fault it is can only add fuel to the fire....grow the eff up and stop blaming people for your choices, dude is what I always think although I know it's not a simple fix.

I find the hard stuff to be difficult to discuss/think about in the beginning, but have learned that over time it only helps us move to the next level to either 1) talk about it or 2) let it go. I refuse to let all the nonsense I've been through will not weigh me down and slowly kill me. This isn't something I've always considered, but once I did it allowed me to have a different level of peace and love in my life. didn't ask me all that, but you got a sista thinking. Great points as always, MC Carey :-).

CareyCarey said...

Hello Miss Curvy,

Make no mistake about it, that was exactly what I was asking, and looking for.

You said you've been hesitant to share the hard stuff, but after doing so, you found a comfort that you didn't know was there. You killed it Ms Curvy. Sometimes the thought of doing something, is much more difficult than the action.

Yes sir, just get up and do it, and stop blaming others!

Babies cry. Children cry.

BigmacInPittsburgh said...

It's only been since 1990,that I started to growup and I'm 57 years old.Yea I worked and made a pay check,but all of it went up in drink and smoke.It was my second wife who started me on the path to growing up and she stuck with me through thick and thin.Just give your brother a chance,God didn't make no junk!You can't fix overnight some of the damage we do to our lives and other people.And then there are some things we may never be able to make right.The trick for me was to not go back and do the old things again.Some of the people I hurt and ripped off never will forgive me.I can live with that,but I asked for their forgiveness and thats all I can do.

CareyCarey said...

MigMac, I hear you on the brother thing. I personally know the storm he's going through and as you may know, only a small few ever make it out. If it wasn't for God, I doubt if I'd be where I am today. Of course I hope the best for my brother.

He's older than I am and he doesn't have any spiritual connection, but maybe one day he'll jackup his slacks and come on home.

You mentioned you second wife. My wife once told me that she was fighting for her life and that I was giving my away. She never saw me on this side. She passed away before I grew up. I was a kid in a man's body.

Just like you, I had plenty of money, and to some degree, that kept me in the storm. I justified my behavior by saying the bills are paid and we are living good. But I was a fool.

Reggie said...

We've all got someone in our families with addiction issues. Those that don't think they do, don't know their family particularly well. I've had more than a few cousins and an uncle with these issues and there are always "reasons" for them getting high, "reasons" for them to indulge in their addictions.

I've always thought that it was rather easy to walk the straight and narrow; and overwhelmingly difficult the walk over to the dark side. The side of us that is always there and for most of us, lies somewhere deep and dark under the surface. I hope I never meet that part of me, ever get comfortable enough to want to see that side of me. It exists within us all.

No, it's easy to walk the straight and narrow; it's too goddamned hard for me to pass over to the darkside. I've never been that embarrassing brother or cousin or uncle and I don't want to be him either. I won't be that person, not now, not ever.

Excellent post CareyCarey!!!

FreeMan said...

Real talk I'd rather hear the hard because it's the truth. I grew up in a tough love family and as such I like to know where I stand.

The hard is difficult to share because it's admitting our mistakes and flaws. Others appreciate it because secretly they agree but will never say it out loud. For a lot of people it's therapeutic to share as some call it a testimony.

Many people just want to tell why they think a certain way. The more they share how they're shaped you will get the real reason why. Not so dissimilar to a kid who has seen to much they act it out but in adults it's just opening up. I think personally its learning to be comfortable with oneself and that includes all the bad.

CareyCarey said...

Good point Reggie, the dark side is in all of us.

Here's the catch, we don't know we are in until we try to get out.

See, there's no control of a drug. It's like laying on an operating table, and then they give you a drug to knock you out. There's nothing humanly possible to block the affects of that drug. The same thing applies to street drugs. Once it's on it's on. Now we have a real problem. I don't care how intelligent a person is, only a very few get out of the storm, once they've stepped in.

Don't believe the hype or the numbers. In my professional opinion, I would say the numbers are less than 5%.

I know a probation officer that said, of 650 people that had to come and see her, 620 were violated for continued use.

I've been around hundreds of users/addicts, I have not seen one that got out without going to the joint. Did you here me... NO ONE... NOTTA.

It's a mean game and has little to do with intelligence. And check this, African Americans are least likely to ever find their way out.

Our issues are very deep, and there are not many people advocating for use. There's no money in it.

CareyCarey said...

FreeMan wrote: "Others appreciate it because secretly they agree but will never say it out loud"


Freeman cont: "I think personally its learning to be comfortable with oneself and that includes all the bad"

Give that man a Teddy bear! Yes, I believe comfort is the key. As long as a person doesn't admit to their mess, or even care to look at their mess, they remain somewhat comfortable.

That's why I suggested to Reggie that it has nothing to do with intellgence. Many "smart" people believes they can "think" their way out of a storm. Not gonna happen. Knowledge is king, but they have to be looking for the right knowledge and in the right places. Most people can not go through the struggle of real self-discovery. It's much easier to say "I am alright". Then they don't have to fix a damn thing.

J.R. said...

The ignorance you attribute to your friend with the lesbian daughter might be turned upon you with your comments about methadone treatment. You know nothing about it, so foist upon it all the ills displayed by your brother. Fact is methadone treatment is endorphin replacement therapy for the damage done to the brains of most long-term opioid abusers. At the proper dosage there is no "high" involved--only feelings of normalcy. What's life like when an endorphin deficiency goes untreated? Constant depression; an inability to feel joy or feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment. Methadone provides "normalcy" for those seeking to free themselves from the ravages of addiction. The problems you describe with your brother are certainly indicative of untreated mental health conditions, as any continuing abuse of drugs would indicate. But your "gorilla juice" characterizations tell us nothing about his problems but much about your own ignorance. And with this attitude, how much real help do you think you can be to your brother, who needs it so desperately? Little, if any. Educate yourself so that you can be a real help to your blood kin who needs it. The information is out there at places like or Shed your own ignorance.
Kind regards,
J.R. Neuberger
National Alliance for Medication Assisted Recovery

BigmacInPittsburgh said...

J.R. I'm not here to defend carey,but who funds your group? You seem to have this know all atttitde about what's really going on with carey's brother,base on what?

zenith15 said...

NAMA is funded primarily by donations from patients who support our work.

I was also troubled by the characterization of this very beneficial medication as "Gorilla Juice", etc. Your brother's seeming lack of initiative, etc is highly unlikely to be related to his medication--I know many many highly motivated, active and productive MMT patients, myself included. The medication does not purport to cure all ills physical and mental. It is, as Joe said, a way of managing the SYMPTOMS of an as-yet incurable syndrome. Long term opiate users often (though not always) do permanent damage to their ability to produce natural opiates (endorphins). Without these natural chemicals, patients feel severely depressed, anhedonic (unable to feel pleasure), anxious, highly irritable, and exhausted. This condition is physical and cannot be cured by counseling, group therapy or 12 step meetings. It requires medication--medication that replaces the deficit of natural opiates with a synthetic form, in the same way that insulin replaces the insulin no longer being produced by the pancreas of a diabetic, or testosterone replacement therapy is given to those who, through their abuse of anabolic steroids, have destroyed the body's ability to produce natural testosterone.

Methadone replaces the missing endorphins, without causing a high or euphoria in stable patients, allowing them to go about their normal lives. Most patients with long term opiate abuse will require long term--even life long--treatment. Success in MMT is not measured by getting OFF methadone, any more than success in any treatment for a chronic and incurable disease is marked by the patient getting off the medication that is controlling their disease. Success is measured by the patient returning to a normal life (whatever that means for them)and ceasing drug abuse. It will not motivate the unmotivated, make melancholy personalities bright and sparkly, etc. It simply controls the physical symptoms of the illness.

BigmacInPittsburgh said...

My gut tells me that the NAMA is no more then a group funded by the company that makes methodone and has found a few people who are recovering addicts to front for them.Y'all have got to bring your game a little stronger!If NAMA is funded by private donations,then tell me where I can go see your records of donations?

CareyCarey said...

Thanks Big Mac,


It's Sunday morning and Mr. J R Neuberger has graced my spot. I am so pleased. It looks like school is in session!

As Mac implied, it appears as if you (J.R.) are an Methadone advocate that knows little or nothing about the actual effects it has on the person.

Sure, all drugs are prescribed for an intended use. From A-Z, the manufactures of these drugs can talk all day of what the drug is suppose to do (that's their job), but in many cases, their sales pitch is akin to those voiced by sidewalk drug dealers. Pharmaceutical companies, in many cases, can be nothing more than legal drug pushers. In the first place, they make the drugs that get people addicted- duh.

Listen well JR. Methadone is a drug, it is a synthetic opiate, and it IS highly addicting (much MORE than heroin). Here is what you are missing or want other to believe. If you put Alcohol in a pill form and call it Methadone, it's still alcohol. If you put crack in a liquid form and call it Methadone, it's still crack.

JR, have you ever looked at the chemical composition of Methadone? I am sure you have not! Check it out and then you'll be more aware of what I am trying to convey to you.

JR Wrote: "methadone treatment is endorphin replacement therapy for the damage done to the brains of most long-term opioid abusers. At the proper dosage there is no "high" involved--only feelings of normalcy. What's life like when an endorphin deficiency goes untreated? Constant depression; an inability to feel joy or feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment. Methadone provides "normalcy" for those seeking to free themselves from the ravages of addiction"

Mr JR, I'll be the first to tell you that all the above sounds real good but it's nothing but YING-YANG.

You showed your ignorance by posting it.

First, have "YOU" ever taken Methadone? Do you even know when the drug Methadone program hit the streets? I Do! Do you know anything about it's prescribed dosage, and how those dosages are/have to be increased as the person continues to take this drug? I DO!!!

Mr JR, you may say that Medthadone does not produce a high, but again, that's sqauk talk. They may not be "high" (your term) but I've sat beside hundreds of them that nod so hard, they can smell their own behind.

Have YOU, Mr JR, ever taken 20 miligrams of Methadone. I HAVE! And it knocked me to my knees. I never did that again. Do you know Mr JR, that my brother is on a dose of 100+ miligrams, and it's considered a low dose. When the program first came out, 40 mils was maximum dose.

Mr JR, have you sat in a room of nodding methadone clients? I HAVE!

I DO, on a regular bases.

Have you, MR J.R., ever seen a person try to withdraw from Methadone. I HAVE, and it's horrible. I've seen them get to the second week and wish they were dead. But as you may or may not know, at the second week, the journey has just begun!

So MR Neuberger, do you want to talk facts or something you've read from a book. Do you want to talk about ignorance, or someone that opened their mouth before they should have.

Maybe you should go back and learn a little something before you talk to a professional in this field. I can talk the talk, because I am walking it. AND HAVE WALKED IT.

What are you, a salesman, a spokes-person?

Please come back. Lets have a cup of coffee... on me. I like you. You bring out the best in me.

CareyCarey said...

We all must have been posting at the same time.

I am pleased to see Zenith has joined us.

Have have to jump right in with this. Zenith wrote: "Without these natural chemicals, patients feel severely depressed, anhedonic (unable to feel pleasure), anxious, highly irritable, and exhausted. This condition is physical and cannot be cured by counseling, group therapy or 12 step meetings"

There it is! Give the patient a replacement drug, and call it methadone. A drug that they will have to take for the rest of their life. Zenith's words not mine, "counseling, group therapy, or 12 steps groups are off the board"

My God. What you are saying supports my case. Drug use is just the scab of the deeper issue. Drinking Methadone does not change the core of the person. Methadone does nothing more than sedate the individual.

People that drink Methadone are not welcomed in many support groups that are concerned with helping a person find the man in them.

You can say to-mau-toe, I 'll say Tomatoe. You say Methadone, I'll say an addicting drug with the same side affects of the drug they are replacing, or in many case, WORST!

Yes! Gorilla Juice.

CareyCarey said...

I am so pleased that Zenith arrived.

Hello Zenith,

I am not trying tohurt you or hit you but I have to ask a few questions. If you are on Methadone, I know you've tried to kick your habit without it. Then tell me, although it's safe to say those attempts failed, tell me how long did you suffer before you decided to take methadone?

Most people that take methadone are to weak of mind and heart to go through the depression and lonliness, that you said happens to a person in early withdrawal.

However, it is a fact that most people who become incarcerated while withdrawing from opiates, get through the symptoms and long term affect of it's use, without taking Methadone.

Like Mac said, it's my gut feeling that you have kissed the girl and can not let her go.

So please tell me, (since you used yourself as an example), what has been the nature of your failed attempts to sustain from using mood altering drugs? Were you a prescription drug addict or a street user? Did someone suggest this form of treatment upon your first attempt to stop using drugs (legal or not)?

I think you've bitten the bullet, and thus, feel comforting telling others how good it is. How much weight have you gained while on this drug? What dosage are you on? Have you ever asked for an increase? Do you feel a change in your mood before and after you take the drug? Are you in touch with your deepest emotion. That's hard to do while a person is on an opiate. That's what opiates do. They suppress the central nervous systems. Consequently, a person does not have to visit the pain, and uncomfortable feeling that many emotions bring to the table.

Lastly, do you know the government regualations/codes that speak to administration of Methadone?

I know you may not feel comfortable answering these question, and I will surely understand why.

CareyCarey said...

BINGO... said the spider to the fly. Be careful Zenith, those folks, your boss at NAMA may fire you if you do not support your case a little better.

Look at what you said:

"I know many many highly motivated, active and productive MMT patients, myself included."

You said you are an highly motivated individual and you know others just like you. Soo tell me, are those that are not as highly motivatated as you and your friends, not included in those that take Methadone?! Are you stratifying yourself above all the other poor slobs that have been convienced to take this drug. You and your friend must be special.

You continued: "The medication does not purport to cure all ills physical and mental"

So again, it's nothing more than a band-aid that is used to stop withdrawal. Well, that's exactly what you said. You said: "IT SIMPLY CONTROLS THE PHYSICAL SYMPTONS OF THE ILLNESS"

Zenith, isn't that something. The truth comes out!

You continued to open the door to the truth. You said: "Long term opiate users often (though not always) do permanent damage to their ability to produce natural opiates (endorphins)"

So again! If long term opiate users "do not always" do damage to their ability to produce natural endorphins, are those individuals that do not suffer from this loss, included in those that take the medication? OF COURSE THEY ARE! There's no "endorphin" tests given before a person is pursuaded to take this drug. In fact, there are no tests given before the drug is administered. Wait, there isone. The client has to show that they have drugs in their system. If so, okay, here's the methadone. A liver function test may be given.

In short, from what I gather from your words, the drug should be marketed for those that are highly motivated, and for those that have an endorphin deficiency. But look how rediculous that is. We are talking about individuals with drug problems. For the most part, many of them had little motivation from the start. So now Methadone is going to give motivation to them?! More so, motivated to do what? They sure will not have to find out the core issues of why they chose to use drugs. Hell, why fix it if someone is giving you the same drug.

A person that was struggling with their emotions, and thus, seeks drugs to ease their ills, is now given a different drug that hits the same receptors of the previous drug.

STOP IT! Stop the madness Zenith and JR. All eyes are not sleep.

You guys and gals are playing the Wizards of OZ. Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion, The Tin Man and the the Old Crow man, each had what they were looking for, before they even went to the Great Land of OZ (Methadone).

Big Mack saw the game, and I am sure others do/did as well.

Send your boos over, you and J.R. are standing in quicksand.

♫Hershey's Kiss♫ said...

When we face the hard stuff, we may often times be prepared or be fearful of moving forward. I've been in this position many times while facing eviction, overdue bills, maturing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Sometimes letting go of hinderances or moving higher causes us to be uncomfortable because it is a new place. We must come out of the comforts zone and learn how to handle life in a stronger way.

CareyCarey said...

Hello Hershey,

Although I know you do not wish to get in this last debate, your last words spoke directly to it.

You said... "We must come out of the comforts zone and learn how to handle life in a stronger way"

That was so poignant!

As you implid, fear impedes the courage to move forward. Comfort allows us to stand still, which in essence is moving backwards.

To many, a spritual/relgious fondation is a stronger way. I know many answers can be found right there. Man will forever "tell" us what you should do, or hand us a medication to ease our pain.

In my blog voice: We have to watch who's ass we are biting on. We have to look at the motives of those who offer words of success.

Most people have a special agenda behind their words. I wonder what's behind the words of some of my visitors?

I doubt they will come back. I believe they know their hold card has been exposed. At least I think they've learned a little something.

uglyblackjohn said...

@ JR & Zenith - But what is the point of replacing one drug for another?
Is the patient still addicted for life?
Is their a natural remedy that would have no long term effects?
Does one require more and more as time goes by?
Is this just a case of replacing street drugs with a government (Big Pharma/Big Insurance) sactioned drug?
Is the real motivation behind such treatment one of profit?

@ Carey - I like the "hard stuff".
I effed up a lot.
I don't wish for my young cousins to make the same mistakes as my younger brothers.
I'm not sure how I made it out so I can't teach what I don't know.
I read other's blogs for some insight into how others have made it out and hope to glean some information that I could use to teach my young cousins and their friends.

Maxine said...

Kissin the love on into the air to you over there, Carey.

CareyCarey said...

oooooweeeee Maxine, that felt so good. I see that the Williams Sisters took a little something from your country.

Uncle Black, Yep, the "hard stuff" might put a blister on our aas or a bump on our hesd but they go away. They leave behind a sense of freedom, and builds our faith.

Keith said...

Man,I'm late reading this...but this was brilliant!

P.S.-I always loved that song -"Family Affair" by Sly and the Family Stone...I always thought it was about me and my brother...You can take a guess as to which brother I was..Go ahead..I can take it! lol.

Anonymous said...

I got a partner I was in the Air Force with who I can't hang around anymore because he has a serious love affair with Crack and Cocaine.
He was living with a beautiful woman...She was forced to throw him out...I covered for him the last three years I was in the Air Force and when I retired, he came out behind me. He still has managed to keep a job...but he has lost his home (forclosure) and his car and is living with some older woman in another part of town.

He blames everybody for what has happened to him. I really feel this!

Keith said...

Carey I must be tired...That anonymous comment aabove was from me!

CareyCarey said...

*LOL* @ Keith

I was wondering if we had another flyboy among us.

Yeah man, my brother retired from the navy. Blame is his game. I remember the time I visited him in the Phillipines, he was on a roll back then. I mean, everyone knew him. When I hit the base, they told me I could find him @ Papa Joe's. It was a club (joint). I found him sitting in a booth, in the middle of the day.

I know your story about you and your friend. He has probably been this same guy for quit some time. In many ways, the military held off the demons my brother now has to face. They/it made him somewhat responsible. On the flip side, the military is still holding him up, his retirement is not bad. And he's injured.

When Mac came through and told JR that he knew little of my brother, or our struggles, he sure knew what he was talking about.

I know you've tried to help your friend but we quickly learn that can not be done until they ask for "the hard stuff" and then it has to be a conviction deep in THEIR heart.

CareyCarey said...

Hey, many people that have comment talk about blame. Miss Curvy started it and Keith has brought it home.

I once did a little seminar thang, and I had a panel with me. A person from the audience asked if "blame" played a part in the struggles of those with a problem. The panel and I looked at each other and started laughing. And then at the same time we all said "100% of the time"

"it's my jobs fault"

"If my lady would only do"

"I only smoke crack, because my wife gets on my nerves"

"I drink, but at least I don't smoke crack"... but you're a drunk fool

"it everyone would leave me alone"

"the police had no business stopping me"... but you were dirty! "yeah but they shouldn't have stopped me. That was illigal"

"yawl don't understand"

Anonymous said...

Hello, it's me, CareyCarey. It has been a while and I'm locked out of my blog. Additionally, I do not receive notifications when someone comments. So, hit my new e-mail and let me know if this blog is still working... and maybe you can help me (give me some ideas) to get back in my spot.