Wednesday, March 7, 2012


 Who cares about a man that robbed banks to satisfy the wishes of his lover...  a lover who was never satisfied? Who cares about a maddening love affair that - like a tornado - tore through their lives and the lives of their family and friends?  Who really cares how a love triangle...   tangled in a world of despair and lost dreams - found redemption? Although their love at times was a satisfying love, they eventually had to part ways, each carrying away a lost soul. But who wants to hear about how one of them, through the spirit of human survival and a belief in his God - found a way to relieve their soul, and thus, find a peace of mind? I can't help but believe - only a few - really want to hear how they made it to the end of their Jericho Road. You know, like that winding meandering road on the way to their Jerusalem,  which was 2200 feet  below sea level, started at their Jericho, which was 1100 ft above sea level. It was  a very dangerous road. Treachery and trickery and faint hope, awaited all that traveled it's path. Thousands  had traveled that road, yet only a few, with the conviction Job, ever made it to their destination. They, the lovers, had to develop a kind of dangerous unselfishness to find the real meaning of life.

Love jones gone cold.

The power of love is a curious thing, make a one man weep, make another man sing. Change a hawk to a little white dove. More than a feeling, that's the power of love. Don't take fame. Don't need no credit card to ride this train.

Huey Lewis said it, THAT'S THE POWER OF LOVE!

I know a little something about love. And, I need a new kind of drug cuz love whipped my ass.

But let's flash back.

I 've seen the images of junkies on television. I watched Frank Sinatra in The Man With A Golden Arm. I saw the mug shots of Nick Nolte and Robert Downey Jr. I've witnessed the distant gaze of Keith Richards and Ozzie Osborn. Who hasn't seen Jungle Fever and watched Samuel Jackson do his crack monkey dance in an effort to obtain a bump? Pookie, played by Chris Rock, was a shining example of a crack head gone wrong. Marvin Gaye asked What's Going On? And we all saw his demise. I think it safe to say, all the above were looking for a little "bump" - of something. I wonder if it was a bump of life? You know, a sparkle in their otherwise boring life or boring day. But, how could someone be bored with a life of riches and fame, or a life that others would die for?

Well, if you have a little time, let me tell you a story about a man I know. This man had a college education, a loving wife and family, and a six figure job. He didn't always make that kind of money, but he was never a candidate for the cheese line.

He owned his own home, his wife and children could dress with the best of them. Yet, through it all, he had a chronic addiction starting at the age of 18. I know that man because that man is a close friend of mine. He fell into that abyss - that deep dark dense blue world - not with the mind of Socrates or Euripides, but with with the mind - a common mind - a young mind - that didn't know the power of love, nor the meaning of it.

At first glance, one would believe I am referring to the reciprocal love we receive and give another person. Oh no, he had that covered. He knew the dangers of giving one's heart to another. On many levels, I saw the hurt and pain of that kind of love; that seemingly intoxicating, trance producing elixir, that propelled people to jump out windows, cut their wrist, and kill their lover who didn't love them anymore. Those who kissed it's lips, frequently bare witness to someone who wished they had not found love. No way was he - this wannabe intellectual - going to give his heart to another, to have them do as they pleased. Consequently, for many years he ran from any resemblance of an unconditional love - regardless of how nice and pleasant the women looked. He had serious doubts that he would ever find a love that would love him - till death do they part. Many opportunities came his way, but his mind was made up; that kind of love don't love nobody.

Yet, trite but true, ignorance is bliss. He found a lover that always loved him back. She was a foreigner with chocolate brown skin and a sweet smell, all her own. She was quiet and humble and always made him smile. When he wrapped his arms around her, she made him feel like a king; holding him, loving him, never to let him go. The world was his oyster and she was his queen. Hip hip array for love at first sight. He found his dream come true.

But something was very mysterious about her. She didn't require much. He could sleep in all day and stay out all night, yet she never said a word. She was loving him but, she was smoothing him; always by his side, married but not married, she was always there when he needed her. However, she was too much - to much love, the sex was right - she was always on his mind - even in his sleep. He wondered how he - this strong man - could have fallen so deeply in love. Not he, who kept a keen eye on his heart, this couldn't be happening to him. But it was and he was scared, so he left, he ran, he ran to a place called Center City, Minnesota; a small town outside Minneapolis.

It was a rural town of mostly white folks.

The place that my friend temporarily called home, was an enclave for the rich and famous. Politician and their children were there, along with a host of entertainers, airplane pilots, models, sports figures, and of course, the common blue collar worker. There was even a couple of federal FBI agents. He, my friend, was the only black face in the crowd.

His lover called while he was away, but he didn't answer her cries. He couldn't, his mind was made-up. Yet, as the story goes, he did, however, eventually return to the comfort of her arms. Yet, before his return, he married another woman and she became his chick on the side.

In many ways, he loved the other woman more than his wife. His wife knew about her but she seldom broached the subject. He was a hard working father, and she and their children had all the material things in life. Yet, one day, she did say "you don't love me, you love her".

Well, I've often said that I don't write much social commentary, nor gossip, and today is no different. So, today - since I plan on continuing the story (only if you care to read it) - I have to say the above "HE" is me. I wasn't talking about a friend, I was giving a snap-shot of my life. And, the mentioned "enclave" is a place called Hazelton; the most prestigious drug and alcohol center in the USA. My lover; her name was HEROIN. Not the person but the drug. For many many years, I loved heroin, and it loved me back and I was hooked on her. I would die for her and even go to jail for her... the latter of which actually came to fruition. But the story does not end there. There is shame and blame, hope and pain in the middle of my story.

Whomever cares to read more, just whistle, or holler, or say whatever is on your mind. Ask questions. Until then, I'll hold mine, very close to my vest. But you have to know, in order for me to keep what I have gained by going through that struggle, I have to give it away.

A.Smith said...
Several things come to mind... I'll share a few.My ex, the one I write so much about, was addicted to heroin. At the time, I didn't have much patience for his addiction. I had a lot, maybe too much, patience for him, but not his addiction. That may not make sense, but it was true.I've since gained a deeper understanding of just what addiction is and how it functions and I have a lot more patience for it now than I did then and I wish I had been more understanding. That may read wrong -- because I don't regret being repulsed by his addiction, I just wish I could've conveyed different feelings for him instead of my repulsion for his addiction.In any case, he did what he wanted. Always.Thank you for sharing, Carey. I'm looking forward to whatever else you share.
January 30, 2011 2:01 AM

CareyCarey said...
Hello Ms Smith, everything you said made absolute complete sense. I know his story and your story; you, the bewildered lover, and he, the addicted."In any case, he did what he wanted. Always"There it is. Many may not understand what I am about to say but, "HE" is the addiction. "HE" will always come first and do what it wants to do. Ashley, I am glad you showed up. By listening to your stories (about your guy) I knew what his problem was. If other folks stop in (and want to hear more), I'll share more. The purpose of me telling my story is two fold. First, I have to, so I'll never forget the horrors of my addiction. It's part of the ongoing process. Second - and the most important - the loved ones of the addicted individuals, suffers as much pain, if not more than the addicted. They are frequently lost, blaming themselves at times, because they didn't know what to do, and few places to share "their" kind of pain and story. In short, my story is not for the addicted - they know the story - it's for those on the outside.So, if nobody wants to hear the story, I'd just be preaching to the choir. Thus, I'll hold it close to my vest.Btw, I try write my stories in an interesting fashion, as not to bore the reader. So I hope I accomplish my goal.
January 30, 2011 10:08 AM

Mizrepresent said...
Great post Carey. I've heard your story from your own lips, but this writing here is very touching. I had a brother as well who was addicted to Heroin after leaving VietNam and he finally was able to walk away from it only to find another. I would love to hear more...Excellent.
And, the following music video is something to reflect on.


CareyCarey said...

Hello all,

As I said, this post is a re-cap of one I did a day ago. I deleted that one, but the comments (minus Ms jjbrock's) were added here. The comment by Miz, is from someone (as she said) that knows parts of my journey. She was one of the first persons to greet me back, after my release from jail. We've been internet friends for nearly 9 years, so she knows the struggles and joys of my return to sanity.

Ms Smith, as she said, has been through the pain of living with someone with an addiction, consequently, she too knows what it takes to recover from her own pain of remorse, lack of understanding, and WHAT-IF's. We've talked, and she writes about it. Her guy committed suicide. His deamon won the battle. Now she's left to wonder what she could have done differently. Could she have possibly listened to others, or sought out others that have gone through the storm?

Ms Brock has her own son that's presently going through his own struggle, and we (us two) have talked about that. So, since I didn't hear any other voices, I wrote the Addendum... "Who wants to hear it (the middle of the story) and why would they really care to "listen"?

Who really wants to hear an uplifting story of how a man came back from the dead? What would be the purpose - their individual purpose - to do that? People have their own opinions and I doubt I can ever change them. If they cannot relate, why....

Anna Renee said...

Carey, something is on my mind about addiction:
Why do people go there? What draws people to that first try, knowing what is inevitable about it. Knowing all the warnings against it. Knowing all the evidence and the examples of others that went THERE before and how they succumbed.
What made you go THERE, Carey?

This is what I have no understanding of. And I mean it earnestly, with no disrespect intended. I would like to understand a bit about this aspect of the human psyche, and I intend to do some articles on why we as people do what we do, including myself on certain subjects.

You still have my email if you need it.

Thanks brother for schooling us in your inimitable style.

CareyCarey said...

Sister Anna, no disrespect taken. It's a question that more people should ask, and I am glad you arrived.

I can talk about the birds and the bees, yet, not really know what I am talking about, but on this subject, I've lived it, took the time to study it, and thus learned it, and now I walk the talk.

That path takes 99.99999 percent of people off the table.

Now, your question falls in the core of this post. See, in my opening paragraph I mentioned that we all have opinions, but for the most part, those opinions are generally not based on facts. It's just what a person assumes the issue to be. They may have a little knowledge on the subject, but humans seldom admit to their deficiencies, so they are resistant to finding answers that may differ from their opinion/knowledge.

Anyway, you asked why does a person start even though they've seen the destructive paths before them - a million times? Well Anna, because I know some of your religious connection, I'll start with; because we are all sinners.

But let me move to a broader issue that I know everyone can feel. The answer to your question can be answered with a fw more questions: Why does a person take their first drink of an alcoholic beverage?

Doesn't everyone know there are 100 times more people dying from alcohol than all the other drugs combined?

Why do people over-eat, although overeating leads to MANY MORE complications and deaths, than drug use? And, we see "IT" EVERY DAY!. EVERY DAY people are dying from heart & kidney complications & blockages to the brain and heart. Drug use has nothing on that problem.

Why do people smoke their first cigarette or first puff of weed? I mean, lung cancer kills more people than drug abuse. And, AGAIN, we see it EVERY DAY!

There are many more dangers in life that people "start", although they've seen how it has negatively affected others. And thats a fact!

See Anna, although all the above dangers are true, most people will point their fingers at a substance abuser and think they are different than them, yet they are not; no one is. So, the answer can be found in everyone's own heart/mind... why did they/YOU "start"?

Consequently, the individual answers (person) my be varied, the core of the answers are all the same... EMOTIONS-IGNORANCE (LACK OF KNOWLEDGE) - ARROGANCE - AND EGO.

See, I'd bet my last dime, that most that read that last paragraph are probably disagreeing. WHY?

Because human's "think" they know the answers to most problems. WHY?


And Anna, that's ONLY the start. As illustrated above, WE ALL "start", the bigger (BIGGEST) issueS/problemS/solutions ARE: The start of the ADDICTION PROCESS and how to get OUT!

The process DOES NOT start at the first ingestion of a substance.

Trybes said...

It takes real courage to come out this big with one's life's travails. You are a giant in many respects and i tip off my hat to you for your openess. I hope to be back to read the concluding part of your story.

One love big dog!


CareyCarey said...

Whatsup Trybes,

I tell people to look behind me to see if there are any dark clouds because I am not looking back.

Meaning: There's nothing I can do about what's back there and I am not concerned about what other's may believe/think. See, it's really not courage, it's the understanding that people cannot hurt me with their "thoughts". If my morals and principles are in the right place (now) I will compare mine to anyone's.

And, fear & faith should not co-exist in the same heart. If I truely believe I am doing the right things (now), then I'd be a fool to worry about what others could "possibly" be thinking or saying.

The key is "What About A Time Called Now?". That's my motto. I went through the storm and many folks are still in theirs; floundering, rationalization their misdeeds and worrying about what others are thinking of them. I am done with that. It's a freedom that tells me I needed to go through my storms to get were I am today. If I had not, I might still be reaching for a false image and/or running in circles, in a fools attempt to please Dick, Jane, Sally, the world and my ego; which has absolutely nothing to do with drugs. That's a human behavior that we all possess.

My path is clear and I don't have much baggage (today)!

What have you been up to, I haven't "seen" you in a while?

@Anna, I hit your e-mail. I do plan of sharing more, I am just waiting to hear what aspects of the issue they'd (others) would like to hear. How I got started is a good place to start, but in doing so, I'd like to keep it in story form, along with why I couldn't (at one time) get out. And, how I eventually did find a bit of freedom. Oh boy, now that's a story; the pain and struggle of getting out is a long long road. I faced many many failures, but I couldn't, and didn't, give up. But mind you, I did want to die, but again, I never gave up.

Moanerplicity said...

I'm beginning to think I understand the perils of addiction. I quietly thought of myself as a junkie (to nicotine)when I would have to venture out into blizzards in order to have the secuurity of NOT being homebound & snowbound w/out my trusty friends (cigs).

As you know, I quit in December. It's almost March & the pains from that habit STILL haunt daily. Each day I must confront something new, different, annoying, sometimes crippling that reminds me of my smoke-free station. I also understand why people relapse on whatever their chosen poison because life is much easier when we feel GOOD, normal, regular; when we are not doubled over in pain, or reminded of how tenuous our freedom is. To awken w/ no pain in my stomach, no cough in my throat... w/out this sudden shortness of breath, but just to get thru a day without being seized in my solar plexus, & to sleep a WHOLE night, these things would be a gift! But these very same things are so often taken for granted by the common person.

To have some peace of mind back, w/out a crutch of a drug of any kind would be a wonderful, mad beautful thing.

Maybe that's what each of us seeks, no matter who we are, what we do, or whatever our coping mechanisms. I think that's exactly what the friend you wrote about here was seeking also. Smnall children have it, but we mature and begin to lose it somewhere down the line. Just examine those words man: Peace OF MIND!

We might not always be able to define it, to ask, or pray for it, but once we can attain & RETAIN it, everything else, even love & the ability to accept love falls into place.

I'm determimed to GET some of MY peace of mind back, one of these days. Even if it kils me in the process!


CareyCarey said...

My brotha Moan, you are right on the door step. It's all about a piece of mind. Once a person understands those simple words, and how to achieve it, without a crutch or the approval of others, it's a whole new life. But as you said, life itself, without those "addictions" we love and depend on, IS a - sometimes - lonely place. One thing a person has to realize is that the "addiction" will always be there - waiting and willing to take them back - if they look (even for moment)to find comfort in it's arms. A person cannot out-think a drug.

Yes moan, it takes a "do or die" attitude. There are no short cuts. But I am here to tell you that it does and WILL get better over time. That's a man to man promise. In it's own time, a peace of mind will come.

But one of the hardest things for humans to do is fill the void that's created when we stop doing what we once did.

There's much much more to this thang, but you're on your way.

Holler at me and let me know how you're doing - and what difficulties you are having.

Anonymous said...

very inspirational.