Wednesday, February 9, 2011


Heaven or HELL -  OH MY!  Lions, tigers and bears - OH MY!

I call this a personal blog because I have to talk about my inner most character flaws. It keeps me rooted in all my problems. I don't ever want to forget the dreadful consequences of my wayward activities, nor accept a  mindset that tells me I have arrived.   Simply said, plain talk...  I don't ever want to hear the cry... "lets do it one more time"

Listen, I've walked with the devil. He loved me and I loved him back. Crazy I know, but it's true.

There are other things I know are true. I don't believe church should be about the preacher nor the people that go there. I've come to believe that religion is not about Heaven or Hell.  I've heard great debates concerning the "if's" and and "buts" of heaven and hell.  But personally, I believe church is a way for me to move away from my own thinking, and thus find a better way to do things right. My history tells me that when I rely solely on myself, I find myself in a world of loneliness and a world of trouble. When I read the bible, it shows me how to do things right, for all the right reasons.  I believe it's basically about being a better person. By no means have I arrived, forget about it, but I believe I'm looking in the right place.  And oh boy, I've been places that I do not wish to return to.

Listen, if I could get high right now, I would. Are you kidding me, it temporarily soothes all my ills. That's real, true, and very dangerous. If you didn't know - you don't want to know -  because the sensations of some chemicals are better than the best orgasms. That's real and very dangerous.

If you didn't know - you don't want to know - because some drugs will actually bring on an orgasm. Yes, that's the truth and very dangerous. We all know what orgasms do for us. Sometimes we say...  don't stop now.

You will not hear this from your local treatment center nor your 10 o'clock news - and -  you might not want to here this because some drugs - for men - hold back ejaculation which make some men feel like Tarzan. And, women love their Tarzans. That's the honest truth, and that's real ,and very dangerous. Who doesn't want to boogie woogie all night long?

If I could get high right now, I would. Who wouldn't want to hold back the aging process? Some drugs do that, but you didn't hear that from me (and you will not hear that from anyone else).  An elevated heart rate means the heart is working harder. Stress, worry and pain are contributing factors to an increased heart rate. Some drugs will take away that worry and stress and leave  a sense of ease and comfort. Who wants to hear that some drugs produce an euphoria like no other. Some drugs produce a semi-conscious sleep with dreams that are colorful, peaceful and long lasting. Nothing in the world can touch it, and that's real - and very dangerous.

All the above experiences, i.e,  sexual prowess,  multiple orgasms, sweet dreams, and a worry free mind, are very dangerous. Not because of the championed adverse affects, but because the body and mind loves it. Then, after a short period, the mind remembers all the above sensations, but and however, unfortunately those same sensations will never be reached again - without that same drug. No never -  not ever - NEVER! But the mind and body sits, and waits, and sits, and waits for it's lover to return. The mind never forgets. There will never be another lover, like that lover. But the mind sits, and cries and yearns and waits.

This post was inspired by one of my closest friends who heard that cry. He was in the ministry, sitting right up in the pulpit, but unfortunately his demons called him back. He just called me, and others had been whispering. We were walking this path together. For years we have been each others greatest support. Now I am left to wonder, what went wrong?  Why did the devil call him back?  And, as I said, I was walking with the devil. He loved me and I loved him back. But, what about a time called now?

If I could get high right now -  today -  I would, but I can't. I asked my friend if the drug still felt as good as it did in the old days. He said it felt even better. See, I knew that. But let me go back a couple of days.

The other day I received an e-mail from another blogger. One part of the e-mail said, "I'm gonna start getting more confrontational, but in a good way. I may be wrong from time to time, but I'm sure people will put me in my place. I want to build a more dynamic blog, like yours, boo!"

Well, I've often questioned why I -  and other people - blog? Although we seldom talk about it, I doubt there's not one of us who doesn't desire some form of admiration; it's like the wind beneath our wings.

However, I say to my friend and others, be careful what you ask for. You might just get it.  And although Prince wrote a song about it, controversy is not for everyone. I may be confrontational and I may be loud, that's because I have to be, or I might get high. More importantly, getting high would be the least of my worries.  My brain will ply me with sweet memories of days gone by. It will try to render me helpless against that first wayward walk on the wild side. So I have to say it loud and confront anything they may persuade me to forget the insanity driven consequences of taking that same path that trapped my friend.

I don't know what evil lurked in his heart, but I know the devil had me in his mouth, but I slipped away with a little help. Well, maybe it's a misnomer to say I slipped.  I fought for my life. And, for the most part, I am still fighting.  This post is a way for me to do that.  I don't ever want to forget.

Being loud, confrontational or what some would consider opinionated, will not get me a bunch of comments or hits, but it's helping me to never forget the horrors of my past. I have to tell on myself, including all my past indiscretions.  I have to keep the problem close by so that I am always working on solutions. If not, I might remember it, and I know I will hear it's cry, but I can't answer.  I can't love it anymore.

Listen, I think it's safe to say that we all have pain, turmoil and trouble. Some of us have weight problems and high blood pressure to a point that our lives are in jeopardy. Being over-weight, to any degree is never a good thang. Some of us have baby momma problems and babies daddy problems. Then there are those that have drug and alcohol problems. To ease our pain and solve our problems, some of us look to Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers. Others run to marriage & family counselors for tips on how to do the right thang. Doctors, phychiatrist and treatment centers are frequently a source of temporary relief. However, to a large degree, doctors and psychiatrist are nothing more than legal dope dealers. Their one stop prescriptions that temporarily impedes the daily stress of life, may keep the boogieman away for a day or two, but woe is thee. In most cases the elephant is waiting in the morning.  And I don't know much, but I know all of them will gladly take your money.

But I am left to wonder if ignorance and fear and being too dang smart, is a road to constant suffering? 

Well I tend to believe  there's an if  faith. And there is a "though" faith. And the two  have little or nothing to do with heaven or hell. The permanent faith  -  the lasting - the powerful faith is the though faith. Now, the if faith says that if all goes well -  if life - is hopeful, prosperous and happy - if I - don’t have to go to jail, if I don’t have face the agonies and burdens of life -  if I’m - not ever called bad names because of taking a stand that I feel that I must take, if none of these things happen -  then - I’ll have faith in God. Then I’ll be all right.  That’s the if faith!

And the "though"  faith says that - though - things go wrong, though evil is temporarily triumphed, though sickness comes and the cross looms -  nevertheless -  I’m gonna believe anyway, and I’m gonna have faith anyway. Though the waters they off-roar and be troubled - though - the mountains shake, the lord of host is with us.

Religion should not be a bargaining matter. Religion is not a bargaining experience. It’s not a commercial relationship. No great experience exists in a bargaining atmosphere. Think of friendship, think of love, and think of marriage. These things are not based on if, they’re based on though. And these great experience are not based on a bargaining relationship -  not an if faith, but a though faith.

Somewhere along the way I think it's important to discover something that’s so dear, so precious to you, and so eternally worthful, that you will never give it up. You ought to discover some principles. We oughta have some great faith that grips us so much, that you will never give it up. Somehow you'll  - walk on -  and say, I know that the God that I worship is able to deliver me  -  but if not - I’m going on anyhow. In the final analysis if you do right to avoid pain and to achieve happiness and pleasure, then you may not be doing right. Ultimately you must do right because it’s right to do right. Well, at least that's my opinion.

In short, The Devil had me and I don't know why you blog.

1 comment:

BigmacInPittsburgh said...

Sometimes I talk myself out of doing stupid stuff,not everyday but when the stress and fustration meter goes too far to the left.
I know you will be there for your friend and walk him back onto the this highway,that we call life.