Tuesday, January 4, 2011


I would hate to be a black women in America. Well, maybe I shouldn't say I'd hate to be a black women but, I have a renewed insight into their Struggle.

Lets face it, this is a man's world and there's a pecking order. My list may differ from others, but I think it's safe to say that white men - of any culture - is near the top. That does not mean they are the best at anything and everything, yet, the ball is in their court.

Let me cut to the chase, black women are somewhere near the bottom. I am not talking about their drive, motivation or the core of the women. I am talking about their struggles through life's issues, that are not like any other group. Their power base and voices are the last to be heard.

I was talking to my friend Mizrepresents - a fellow blogger - and she allowed me to ask her a few questions about being a single black women in America. I've heard the complaints of women that say there are few black men in which to build a relationship and she was no different. I've sort of dismissed that sentiment because... well, I am not a women so I didn't really explore the issue. Miz always told me that she knows of several attractive black women that have their thang together, yet they still can't find a man.

I guess good black women that do not have men and desire to have one is not a myth. When I hear things of this nature I wish I was an octopus that could reach out to all black women - at least eight. That's a joke but as a man I feel as if something just ain't right. Good black women going to waste just ain't right. Again, I shouldn't say going to waste but something ain't right.

We also talked about how the pool shrinks when a women gets a little older. Not old like wearing "Depends" old, but even a black women in her thirties starts to realize that she might have to look hard at her morals, principles and to some degree, their belief in God, to balance the decision to contact with no contract.

I am from the Midwest and as far as I know, we do not have a large population of gay men. Well, it's not - the thang - like it is in some cities like Atlanta. Miz said there's a problem with men on the down low in her city. I guess certain cities attract certain kinds of men. Wouldn't that be something? What if a women was convinced by her down low guy to have a threesome. Then, when the other party walked it it was Mandingo "Dolemite" Willie.... ouch!
I've alway said that I don't care what stirs the juices of another but I am having a hard time with someone that can't make up their mind. What is this bi-sexual mess - huh. What? Do they need glasses or what? Poker or poke-hee, make up your mind.

But homosexual - or straight - sex falls somewhere in the mix. It goes without question that most need the attention of another. But how fulfilling is a sex buddy? There has to be a let down after that encounters. On another hand, I can assume some black women have arrived and do not consider sex toys as an evil no-no. I wonder if the satisfaction is the same and if using a toy could lead to some type of dependency? Is that a stupid question... I don't know? But I know some women use them as a bridge and a safety net. But does anything replace the need to share your life with someone? I mean, I think it's safe to say "sex" is not synonymous with love.

What is the black women to do? It's a fact; there are not enough good black men to go around. Aside from sex, there are a number of events in a black woman's life that requires the attention, comfort and safety of a black man. And having said that... wanting and needing someone to fill the gap - I'd hate to be a black woman. I don't think I could handle the pain.

Who likes to compete for the attention of another person? Who wants to compromise their moral values to satisfy basic needs? I can not imagine being a black women in America. What would I do if I wanted to find love and get married, but the pickings were slim. I shudder at the thought. I worry about taxes and who is going to win the playoff, not if I am ever going to find love in all the right places. I wonder how it feels to think that there are others whispering about you because you don't have a man. I think that's a real issue. Loneliness is a killer and I have a new compassion for black women that can't find a good black man.

Well Carey, I LOVE being a black woman. A friend and I talked about it awhile ago, and despite what some might consider hardships, or road blocks, if God was handing out races, and boxes of crayons, I would ask for all the black and brown one's.
Yes, we struggle, but it makes us stronger, yes the pickings are slim on the dating market, but we still have options, although some won't admit, they secretly desire black women...we are desired, appreciated, wanted...

When I think about being a black woman, I don't just think about dating as a black woman, but other aspects of my life. Work, my hair, my skin, my ambition, my struggles, my perseverance, undersatnding, & love...

So, maybe some people would "hate to be a black woman" but I love being one, problems and all!


Blu Jewel said...
Ditto what DC Diva said. There is nothing I would change about being a black woman aside from the pity that we sometimes get. Unlike some black women, I'm not opposed to dating outside of my race, so my dating options are a little less limited.

I really don't see what's so bad about being a black woman. Yes, we have our struggles, problems, sometimes lack of respect, or even a good black man, but overall, we should be praised. We've succeeded where they expected us to fail, we're heralded from other strong and profound black women who paved the way and gave their lives for us, and we come in such a myriad of beauty and colors, which other races do not have.

Men won't understand being a black woman until they start talking to and listening to black women. And women need to present themselves in the favorable light in which they want to be seen and treated.

Love to live; live to love.

Ps...you've got some 'splaining to do...go back and read my comment to your comment.

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...
I disagree, there are good black men out there. I love being single and having the "option" to choose/not settle. I had high expectations that the man should rescue me and be the head of the household. The new me is so willing to share in being the head so to speak. I want a partnership and I no longer need rescuing. Jesus saved me!

Lonliness and aloneness are separate. I'm alone "for now" by choice, but in no way lonely. I love me and still discovering me, I don't want anyone interefering in that right now. But very soon, the right "man" will have the sole pleasure of having one Hell of a woman by his side!

Love for a great day!

CareyCarey said...
Well Well Well

I was going to sit back on this one. I didn't want to interject my opinion anymore than my post already did. sometimes the opinions of others gives pause for those with a differing view.

I used the word hate but in restrospect I could have used the word "understand".

DC DIVA, I've visited your house on several occasions and I understand where you are coming from.

Its difficult being a women of any color, it's a mans world. But I think all of us agree that it starts at home ...the product we bring, and what we will settle for.

One last thing, I agree Ms. Butterfly, lonliness, boredom and love, can only be fixed at home.

I wish I could get an opposing view to it's "great being a black women". Sure, it's paramount to love thy self but there are real issue concerning being a black women in America.

Hey, yawl come back now ...I am loving yawl

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...
I love your statement, I'm just another man trying to be a better man! Love that you're honest and open to growing and discovering. Thanks for "sharing yourself with us" from a man's perspective.

BTW - Please go back to calling me Ms. Butterfly, I still haven't forgiven my mother for naming me Denise (LOL)

Mizrepresent said...
I'm with everyone else. I love being a black woman. I love coming from a history of women who birthed such great men and women, who freed slaves, who stood up for themselves, who raised families and carved their way into history. I am a black woman who knows, who's experienced so many setbacks and yet still been able to rise, to live, to enlighten, to still believe. WE are here because God put us here to help, to nurture, to educate, to love, well past our medium, well past what others think. We are the fabric of this nation. Oh, how i wish for soneone to appreciate me for who i am...but i know that God knows whoiam...and so...i do what's required...you know I'm appreciated. :)

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BigmacInPittsburgh said...

I don't know where to start at responding to your excellent post topic.
But let's talk about the social,economic divide of Black Men and the Black Woman.
Let's just cut to the dam chase and call it what it is,no money ,no honey.
The honey being the opportunity to live a decent and peaceful life.
In America you need a job and opportunity in order to establish any type of meaningful relationship.
The job drain of the last 25 years have taken a toll on the Black community particularly with the gainful employment of Black Men.
We Black Men have to wake up to the reality that White folk don't give a dam about our love life,children or living conditions.
They will throw us in a prison quicker then you can blink your eye,so I don't know why we keep living in la-la land waiting for white folks to exhale some dam meaningful jobs!
It's time we start to use the brains and talents that were given to each of us at birth and start to build our own business in this country and around the world.

Untouched Jewel said...

Thank you Carey! I thank you that you are the one man who was brave enough to post this on your blog. If only our male counterparts of the same race could see just how hard it is for us Black women trying to hold it down for our families, and still have to fight the everyday foolishness out in the world, let alone being the beaten competition of good woman vs hoe, black woman vs white woman,etc. THANK YOU. Black women have raised our voices so long, that it feels like no one hears us anymore. It's a struggle more and more as the time passes and we get older.

CareyCarey said...

Untouched Jewel! Woman, were have you been? Opps, wait, I think you can say the same thang.

Anyway, I write these kinds of post expecting no comments. It's a tuff subject that few want to talk about. Well, actually, this was sort of a remix. In it's orignal form I believe 9 people left comments. I should go back and post them. But again, who really wants to talk about it.

So, thanks for stopping by and letting me know that someone is actually reading my stuff.

@ BigMack, yep, I have to agree, somewhere in the mix... greed, power and racism surely fits this shoe. I definitely understand your position.

Anonymous said...

Hello Carey, This post was very good as always, your messages are always on time. As you so often say "some things are not for the weak at heart" and you are correct. But, when a real women or I say a strong women realizes her mistakes and struggles they either learn and grow or stay stuck. That all depends on what kind of women she chooses to become or represent. I choose to be that strong black women even though troubles arise I chose to rise above. This shall be my moto from my past and present experiences. "A strong women is not the one who doesn't cry. A strong women is one who is quiet and sheds her tears for a moment and then picks up her sword and fights again. I will never quit trying to become a stronger BLACK WOMEN! AkA hzleyes.

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