Sunday, January 15, 2012


35 years ago, they were in love. Thirty years later, he was locked in jail, while she was locked in a self imposed prison. Her life filled one small room.

Thirty five years ago, he was presented with a new child. Thirty five years ago, she too was introduced to a child, it wasn't hers, it was her husband's. It was a bi-racial child, she and her husband are both black.

This is a short love story. A love story filled with so much pain that it's impossible to have an happy ending, but it does. Yet, how could a woman endure the pain of being presented with four children, by her husband, that he fathered outside their home?

Ten years ago, she stayed locked in her room while her husband stayed locked in the basement, locked in love with his crack pipe. Day after day, she prayed and listened to gospel music. Gospel music is her first love, it has sustained her through trying times. On any given day, she can be heard singing songs by the Five Blind Boys, The Gospel Southerners or Kirk Franklin. On Sundays, while at church, she seldom needs the assistance of the hymn book, she knows most of the songs by heart. Last week she was heard singing "Hold To Gods Unchanging Hand". She owns a collection of over 500 recordings.

Several years ago, I went before a Judge to ask for my freedom. Five years ago, she too went before a judge to ask for her freedom. She wanted a divorce. She was stuck to her her vows - to death do them part. Her husband was stuck in a mindset that the world, and his wife, were his oyster. He believed that he could do whatever he pleased, because his wife had always stood by his side. But she was dying - and he was slowly killing her.

One day she was lying in the hospital - near death. A tracheotomy was performed to save her life. Her husband came by. He took her wedding ring from her finger and took it to the pawn shop. She lived, yet laid bed ridden for nearly a year. During that time, they lost their home. She was forced to move in with her mother. She wasn't raised by her mother. Her mother gave birth when she was only 16. She was raised by her grandmother who now needed care and was living in her home. The wife, her two children and her grandmother moved into her mother's cramped home. Times were very difficult.

Years ago, I stood in front of a church and gave testimony of my sins. Prior to that, while sitting in my jail cell, lonely and confused, I got up and gave my mother a call. I told her I needed some help. My bond was $50,000. She said she had given it to God. I didn't like that answer but it made him think. When I thought about it, those individuals in the church that I thought were squares or boring, were not in jail with me. Those individuals that I unconsciously wanted to emulate were not crying in the dark. I was locked up with a gaggle of fools - I was one of them. Consequently, I was one of the biggest fool on the block.
But see, I didn't know the women in this story, nor her drug using husband, but later...

I prayed. One day I was released from jail. She prayed, she was released from her husband. The day I stood in front of the church, she was there. She said she heard something in my voice. It was a Thursday. Friday would be the last day of the churches fall revival. We met in an area outside the sanctuary and exchanged pleasantries. I told her I was planning on returning the next day. She told me that she might see me again. Outside the church, she spotted me across the street, smoking a cigarette and wearing a baseball cap that barely covered a doo-rag. She thought to herself, "that man has not changed, he's nothing but an educated thug", but she remembered my voice.

I had to accept the fact that I was no longer married. I had lost my love, my rock, and the love of myself. Yet, deep inside, I hadn't lost the ability to love. That Friday, we met again. I asked her if she was seeing someone. She said no, then I asked if I could call. She gave me a strange look, yet grudgingly took my number. Outside the church, she tossed the number into a garbage can.

She had been severely hurt by love. She'd also lost confidence in herself. Her struggles left her insecure. A conversation inside the church is one thing, but she wondered what this man, "I" wanted now.

Before that meeting, there were good times, yet, when God called my wife home, my life spiraled out of control. I wondered if I would ever find love again. Not just for someone else but for myself. I was convinced that if I believed in the concept of God, then I could live again. First, I had to own up to my mistakes, and not just talk about them, but walk the talk. I had to clean my side of the street.

A few weeks after meeting the women in the vestibule of the church, I went back to the church and asked the secretary for the number of my new found friend. I lied, I told the secretary I was looking for a hairdresser for an acquaintance of mine. The secretary had never seen me before my first visit. She gave me the number.

Thinking back to the meeting at the church, I saw a humbleness in her that pierced my soul. Even though her sadden eyes told a story of misery and pain in which he was very familiar, I saw something inside her that spoke of a good woman.

She lost her husband to drugs and divorce. I lost my wife to cancer. She died several years ago. I am doing okay now. We've been dating for a couple of years. This Christmas, we have plans to fly to Atlanta to spend the holiday with my daughter and  grandson. My new friend has never been on a plane. She's scared to death.

They say God gives us memories to lead us to our victories. We are not looking back. Both of us remember the good times and the bad times.

What about a time called now!?

Her words on Love:

Love can be a smile, a phone call, a letter or sharing a hug. Love is showing a deep endearing concern for others. But in order to do that, I feel that you must know how to love yourself as well as others. Here are some of the things I feel love is.....

1. Love is a gift
2. Love has no fear.... saying how you feel.
3. Love is complete
4. You don't just visit love. It's not a bus stop.
5. Love has to be deeply rooted, it's a learned behavior.
6. Love heals
7. Love sustains you in the times of trails and tribulations
8. Love nourishes the soul
9. Love does not stagnate, it's always making progress.
10. Love is saying I do when you don't
11. Love is sacrifice
12. Love is loving those when they don't love you back.
13. Love is building.... making a foundation to continue.
14. Love is agape.... never ending
15. Most of all, love is wholeness, love requires a valued contribution

Saturday, January 14, 2012

If You Were My Girl Friend - Again?

Jack & Jill ran up the hill to get a marriage license/ They found bliss and shared a kiss/ and that's the end of the story.

Wouldn't that be great? Through the storms of adultery, physical and mental abuse, uncommon interests, gambling, selfishness, alcoholism, deceit, sloth and boredom, wouldn't it be great if we all could be like Petunia (Ethel Waters) & Little Joe. Yes sir, Little Joe was a gambling womanizer but Petunia still loved her Little Joe. The devil tried to take Little Joe, but eventually they were hand in hand, walking to the Cabin In The Sky. That was a great story. But what about now?

Now I am at a place of wonderment. I found myself here after reading a post by Tha L.

Her post was eerily similar to mine.

Those posts were basically saying the same thing... "Clean up your side of the street". Personally, I wonder what that means to me and to others. Well, I know what it means to me because I wrote the post. Let me say this, I have several flaws - okay. When I think about those flaws, I wonder why my love life has not been that bad.

Now, don't take this as a vane attempt to stroke myself or to stratify myself above the common man, but I've never lost at love. Nope, I've never had a woman leave me and I am still cool with every woman that I've had a serious relationship with. "Then why was there separation, CareyCarey?" . Well, before I went to jail for a serious crime, I was involved with a woman. She was cool, but I was not. I mean, I was in the grips of an addiction when I met her. While I was riding that storm, she was the one for me. She didn't even know I had an addiction, but I did. While I was incarcerated, she supported me. When I got out, she supported me. She bought my clothe and gave me transportation. Yet, when I removed myself from that storm, she wasn't the one for me. Without being specific, she wasn't the one for me when I decided to start over. To this day we are cool, but I doubt we could ever be lovers again.

Earlier in my life, while I was in a committed relationship, I had an affair with another woman. In that relationship a child was born. This woman and I were tight, it's safe to say we were in love. However, again, without being totally specific, I had to leave that relationship because I had a family and a woman waiting for me back home. I am still cool with that past lover. I hurt her, yet we remain friends.

I was married. I am now a widower. My present relationship is strong.

Having said all of that and admitting I have numerous character flaws, I sometimes wonder why the women have stayed around and/or continue to allow me to be their friend. But here is were I am at today.

I have a few boundaries. I mean, there are a few things I do not compromise in my search for a woman that I want to call mine. Again, this is not about me but I am going somewhere. I have a pet peeve that many would call ridiculous. It may not be a deal breakers but it would be a serious impediment to a lasting relation - for me. See, I brush my teeth about 10 times a day. I not only brush my teeth but I wash my mouth. Simply brushing ones teeth can be akin to washing ones feet and not getting between the toes or not putting them in water for any significant period of time.

Anyway, for me, a woman has to have very clean teeth and their breathe has to remain pleasant. Okay, I know some may think that shouldn't be a reason to fight love. But, for "me" it is.

If I can go back to the posts of Tha L, and mine, err'body was talking/complaining about the other person. Well, what about the other person - you?

What if you could go back and be that girlfriend, boyfriend, husband or wife again, what are some of the things you would change about yourself? I mean, it's not always the other person's fault that a relationship did not last. Are there a few idiosyncrasies or outlandish requirements that you have, that might have put a wedge in your love life. More so, are there a few serious character flaws of your own that you've now discovered that you must give serious attention? Isn't it important that we check ourselves before we....

No, it wasn't the suit, it was me. No, it wasn't the woman, it was me, I was fu*ked up. Was it you? What was it about you that you've now come to believe must change. If you can't say it, you can't do it. If you can't find it, you can't fix it.

If you could go back, what would you change about yourself?!

A.Smith said...
Oh gosh Carey. I would change SO much. I remember when things went down the toilet with me and my ex and he was trying to salvage anything he could, he asked me if I would remember anything good about our relationship and I told him no. I regret doing that everyday -- but for reasons I'll share at another time -- though anyone who reads my blog can probably guess why.Anywho, I said "no" more because I felt like it was all his fault than anything else. Since that time I've become aware of how narrow-sighted and selfish that was. I was not perfect, I was horribly imperfect and I get that -- very important lesson I had to learn, for sure.

CareyCarey said...
Hi A. Smith,

You don't know how much I appreciate your comments. I see you are going into social work (I think). To some degree, that is what I do. Well, I deal with people going through a major storm.

Through this journey, I've learned valuable information about myself. In order for me to feel comfortable about telling others how to change, I have to walk the talk. You, my lady, have a gift that many will never achieve. You have the courage to admit to your faults AND voice them. What leaves the heart will find another. I believe you are heading in the right direction.Yes, it's frequently not about the other person. Selfishness is a mean thang. Thanks for stopping by.

Solomon said...
Nobody is perfect. There are always things we would do differently if we could do it all over again. In my last relationship there are quite a few things I would change if I could do it all over again. For one thing I would call more in the beginning of the relationship instead of treating it like a booty call early on. Then I would be more open about what I wanted in the relationship. I don't think I was very good at talking about my needs, especially at first. Then there is my character flaw of me not being able to tell somebody how I feel about them. Well, I think I was so damaged I really didn't know how I felt but at least I could have tried right! I also know that in my past relationships I wasn't always emotionally available. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't get to that point of emotional attachment, at least for a while anyway. Then there are the "warning signs" that I was always good at ignoring. If I was serious about the relationship I should have went with my gut and not ignored the signs. As with anyone I can be selfish when it comes to things I expect in a relationship. Nobody is perfect and I'd say I'm far from it. Sometimes I didn't listen to her needs when making decisions and I realize now that I was being selfish. I think I would be in a much better place to be in a relationship now after working on these issues. My last relationship was hard because I felt so damaged from all the drama of my previous relationships. You can only move forward right! Hopefully from here on out things will work out better and I won't be so damn selfish!

uglyblackjohn said...
Whaaaaat? Man, I can only give my nephews and young cousins advice on what NOT to do when it comes to women.I get some really great women but I always seem to eff it up.

FreeMan said...
Why do I feel I'm at a Catholic confessional? I lived in Philly and I met the one! I salsa danced with her on Thursday and she was down to earth and understood money so we ate out occasionally and spent most times chilling at my house. Then I got accepted to Law School and I was so short sighted and she understood how big of a break it was for me that we parted ways. I look back all the time thinking I should've fought harder but I accepted my fate. I was so used to leaving everything behind in order to get on top that I thought shit this is one more of those times. I don't have many regrets but she's ONE! Life picked up so fast after that I never caught up with her and haven't found her again after some searching! I've been fighting so long to right the ship of my life and circumstances that I sacrificed a good part of my life in the process.

CareyCarey said...
Freeman my son, god be with you:-). Man, but don't you feel better now? But really, I believe there's something special in admitting we may have been wrong. Selfishness is one of the core issues of breakups.

@ Uncle Black, man now come on. You can do better than that. Even MadMoney Freeman dropped a tear. You could have at least told us a piece of your ish. There may be a young man reading this and they could learn from your evil ways *lol*

@ solomon, tell me Solomon, how's your present love life? It seems like you have a few answers.

BigmacInPittsburgh said...
Well if you aren't honest about why a rlationship didn't work then you are dume to repeat the mistake. I really have not dug deep enough I believe I keep getting hooked up with the wrong woman. My big problem is the cookie box,I get hooked and ignor the warning signs.

CareyCarey said...
@ Big Mac with extra cheese. See, I'm noticing a pattern and you said it. Ms. A.Smith showed us her's and I'd hope the guys would follow suit. But oh no, the men came up in here talking about money and booty. *lol*I mean, didn't yawl notice how Ms Smith said she was horribly imperfect. She went deep. But lord have mercy, the brothas couldn't dig past their Johnson and their billfolds. Dang, you guys have reduced us to tricks and sugardaddy's. You guys have no excuses either. @ your blogs, you guys go deep. But on this subject, you guys didn't dig deep, you took a short cut - to the tail end. I am so disappointed in my brothas :-)

Mizrepresent said...
I would have kicked him to the curb the first time he cheated instead of giving him another 10 years of my time. What would i change about myself...i would have been more up front about my needs and desires, and i wouldn't have taken a backseat to my dreams so that he could live his. I could have loved him more, if i hadn't stopped liking him.

BigmacInPittsburgh said...
GUILTY,GIVE ME TWENTY JUDGE CAREY!Its a good thing when we can check each other.

CareyCarey said...
LOL @ Big Mac. Yes, it's a good thang that men can say what needs to be said and not get offended.Since you threw yourself on the mercy of the court, I'm only going to sentence you to church :-). But you're on probation. Speaking of probation, I have a woman that's coming into my court.

Hello Miz, the jury is out on you. See, you soft soaped yours. Just like some of the men, you only pulled the change out of your pocket. I mean, did you ever get in a realationship for all the wrong reasons? More so, can any of the fault of a breakup rest at your feet. Now I don't want to hear about your lack of voicing your needs. I want to hear about your screw-ups. Maybe you don't have any faults but.. Like you told me, I know you (somewhat) so tell us whats really on your mind. Hey, you kicked him out after 10 years but did love have anything to do with it?

FreeMan said...
@Carey - Yeah I'm alright I'm just putting it out there for this post!"Freeman my son, god be with you" LMBAO - man I didn't drop a tear I'm just saying for all that I have won in life I still lost on my way.MADAMAN FreeMan whuh? LOL

uglyblackjohn said...
@ Carey - Okay, which one?- The one I sent to England for a semester at college so I could have more time to cheat on her only to have her meet the guy she would marry.- The one who was my dream girl, but I had to get that last piece (from a girl I'd wanted to hit for a month) before settling for "The One" only to get caught because I gave her (the dream girl) the clap?- The one that was perfect in every way except she was only 5'6' (below my minimum 5'7" height minimum)? I was an ass to women - even the ones I truly loved. I had always assumed that it was always about me - but when the women would agree with that, I would get bored with them and try to find another conquest.So you see... three quick examples of "What NOT to do".

CareyCarey said...
Okay Uncle Black, when got to the part about the claps, I was done *lol*

Yes sir, it seems like you could write a book about F'in up. You've been a bad boy.*** okay boys and girls, don't do as Uncle Black does, do as he says... I think ***

Tha L said...
I like this Carey. Good lookin' out on reiterating the message so eloquently LOL! Now, what would I change about myself if I could go back? Hmm...although I don't believe in going back, I know it's so important to learn from the past. For the short time that I was married almost ten years ago, I was extremely bossy, selfish, and a huge clean freak. If I were to ever get married again, I would definitely have to continue working on those things. But honestly, I enjoy living alone too much, so that marriage thing may not be for me :-)

CareyCarey said...
*lol* @ Tha L, yeah reference your "eloquence" I had to come with a different flavor in this post. I tried not to talk all nasty and stupid :-)

I agree, sometimes going back is not the thang to do. But again, as you said, we should never forget the past. You know what, I've always lived with a clean freak and I love it. My mother was a domestic (cleaned white folks houses). My wife had a cleaning business. If I was reading the newspaper and walked away from it, she would fold it up and put it away. My present lady is the same way. If I sit still to long, she'd start polishing my forehead. So maybe it's a match made in heaven. I make the mess and then they are free to do their thang. Someone needs you Tha L *lol*

Anonymous said...
Carey, the thing I would most change is to be like you: more ready to recognise that I do have so many flaws.

CareyCarey said...
Thank you anonymous (I believe I know who you are). I think you also replied to the "reunion" post. I had to change or I would forever repeat my past. More so, I had to realize it wasn't about me. I have children that depend on me. Not financially, but as a way to overcome failures. It's been a process. I have not arrived but I truely believe I am working on chnaging, which require me to go deep.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

I am Blogging From The Cheap Seats ...can you hear me?

Can you hear me? I am up here in the cheap seats. I am a little guy in a BIG blog world.

Some bloggers are like the guys in the top rows of a large sports arena. I am one of them. We yell at the top of our voices only to be heard by a few. We don't have front row seats and the big boys seldom pass popcorn UP to us. We sit in cramped cushion-less seats while others set with their feet extending onto the playing floor. Sometimes we irritate others sitting next to use as we scream ....trying to be heard.

We wait in long lines with the rest of the poor slobs just like us. The eating huts and places to take care of our business are not as plentiful as those of the big boys. Our banners are not very flashy and our templates are borrowed from someone else. Yet we are there to root for our favorite team. We can scream and cheer, just like the men and women in the VIP seats. We can let our voices be heard, if only a few will hear.

I am reminded of a time I was at a sporting event sitting next to a little old lady. I jumped up and yelled toward the events on the floor. I felt kind of bad because I think I sprinkled a little juice on her. Okay, I spit on her. I didn't do it on purpose but I had something I wanted to say and I had to let it go. Later on in the evening the old lady was screaming louder than me. She had something SHE wanted to say. I even heard her say a few lines of mine, while spitting in her popcorn.

But you know what, I've often gone out for a night of dancing. However, when I arrived at one dancing spot no one was dancing. I am not the best dancer but I wanted to get my groove on. Hesitantly I grab my partner and said lets get on the floor. After a few odd moments the floor started jumping. The floor became crowded with laughter and bumping bodies. It wasn't a big spot but everybody was having fun. As I mentioned, I am not the best dancer, so while I am dancing I look at the other people on the floor and steal a few of their moves.

My journey into blogging has been much like that of my aforementioned adventures. At times I feel as if I am standing in the cheap seats talking to myself. I've heard it said that others do not want to hear our opinions unless they're ask for. I believe that to be true but sometimes "I" need to hear what I have to say. It reminds me of things that are important to me.

A serendipitous reward of blogging is that others might hear us and gain insight and knowledge from our words. We never know who is listening or why they are listening but it's safe to say that someone ....someone can hear us.

I've often said that I 'm yet to find a reason or purpose for blogging. Today I received a reward based on something I must have said in my blog. It's not the Oscar but it meant a great deal to me. I will explain the award in my next post. Maybe there's a purpose in this blogging thang that only others can define for us.

Anyway, I need all of you, so I hope that you keep coming back and visiting. I am a pawn on a large playing field. I am a small fish in a vast sea. I like to fish, and sometimes I go fishing and do not catch a thing. Sometimes I go and catch the big one.

I've been on the Internet for several years, I've met some nice people. I've been blogging for less than 2 months. I hope to met more individuals like myself that love to share their thoughts and dreams.

My hat is off to the little people up in the cheap seats.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A MUST SEE: Healing Neen - Triumph Over Trauma

I don't champion many "inspirational" speakers. However, this documentary is worth repeating. So take a load off your mind, sit back and be inspired. I am sure you will find yourself or a loved one somewhere within the folds of this award winning film.